The pineal gland is a small spot in the center of the brain that holds great significance. Scientifically it controls our circadian rhythm, stabilizes our moods, and produces the melatonin that helps us sleep properly. It is also said to hold great spiritual significance as renowned philosopher Rene Descartes (1596-1650) declared it to be the seat of our soul, where our soul and connection to God resides in each of us, and still others refer to it as our third eye. In modern humans the toxins we take in from birth (aluminum, mercury, and foreign DNA from injections, fluoride in most everything we drink, and the chemicals and dyes in processed foods) calcify the pineal gland, and I’ve seen the calcification on CT scans of my young son’s brain. Concerned by the light spot in the scans I pointed it out and asked the doctors, thinking the worst, but it was explained to me that it was a calcium deposit and we all have it and it was nothing to worry about.
Six years ago I decided, perhaps unwisely, that I wanted to decalcify my own pineal gland. I had a plan and a prayer, and at this time of the year I stretched out in the sun, focused on the spot, and prayed with all my heart for God to clean that area of my brain, to release the toxins and calcification so I could see what I was missing. My intentions were pure, although perhaps not thought through to what it would mean, and that sunny morning I pleaded and prayed for those toxins to be released. I didn’t take any drugs or pharmaceuticals, only drank some water, and focused on the seat of the soul to be free of the constraints and filth of this world. I was out in the sun for a couple hours, not an unusual thing for me, didn’t notice any change, and then went on with my day, shrugging it off as just another silly idea of mine.
That night I woke with a fever, and spent the next days pretty sure that I was dying. The fever spiked up to over 103, and I had the worst stomach flu of my life, worse than any food poisoning, but I knew it wasn’t food poisoning. I was down for days, and felt so bad I gave my husband instructions in case of my death. I didn’t go to a doctor because I don’t do that anymore, not to mention during the pandemic era that was a dangerous thing to do, and I was surprised and very grateful when I recovered. I chalked it up to the worse stomach flu I’d ever experienced and still remember the pain, weakness, and helplessness I felt, and things changed after that.
I didn’t connect the sickness to those hours in the sun or my prayers until this week, six years later. Now, looking back, I think my body releasing those toxins brought on the sickness, but at the time I didn’t give my silly prayer or intention much thought, considered it a failed experiment, and life moved on. A few months later I began having nightmares of the past and what I suppose were nocturnal flashbacks of the abuse I experienced as a child. I had never forgotten how awful my childhood was, but I had learned, like others like me, to disassociate from it, to divide the traumas up into smaller pieces and lock them away, but suddenly the doors of that storehouse in my mind were thrown open and those events were front and center. I began to see what I had been missing, what I had been hiding from myself, and life changed dramatically. Within a year of issuing that prayer I had fallen out with most my family, I was seeing things differently than I had before, and my faith began to grow stronger.
There are layers to faith, each layer bringing us closer to God, and for the last six years I have been unpeeling those layers, most of the time unconsciously as I’d follow my instincts, or perhaps the whispers of the Holy Ghost. I’ve written book after book, my mind sharper than it had ever been, and those days of staring at a blank page in frustration seemed to have fallen behind me, the ideas coming faster than I could write them down. And although I’ve become a bit reclusive and don’t engage with a lot of people, my empathy towards them has grown painfully, and I tend to see all sides of human sorrows with an understanding and compassion I don’t remember having earlier in my life. I have developed a hatred for the lack of nuance in the world, which paints every situation with a fear-laden brush, excluding the truth and the details that would balance and bring calm and sense to most things. It’s suddenly easier to spot the lies and manipulations, the way my body reacts making it almost impossible to listen to them, and there is a level of frustration that comes with it. I wonder why people are so blind, why they can’t see what is clearly obvious, and why they seem so comfortable in a world that does nothing but harm and lie to them.
The thing about praying for anything is that we don’t see the big picture, we can’t, our vision is limited by our own human experience, clouded by our own prejudices, fears, and ignorance, and buried under the toxins the world dishes out. The world has a lot invested in keeping us blind, confused, angry, and focused on the lowest common denominators. Sex, survival, and money are the glasses we see through, and surrendering all to God are just words that sound good the couple hours a week we allow for faith, but make no sense in a busy world where we must stay alert for predators and be in control so it doesn’t all fall apart. But it’s in the falling apart and the lack of control where we truly come to know God. God is light and goodness and hope, but we now live in a world where evil is called good, darkness is light, and hope is a silly and useless emotion with little room to thrive under the weight of our present society.
God still answers prayers, although often different than how we imagine. When I asked God to clear out my pineal gland I didn’t expect to be knocked on my butt sick as a dog, but I didn’t really know what I was asking. When I prayed to see what I was missing, I wasn’t prepared to actually see it, and surely didn’t expect to see my world and familial relationships implode. And I surely didn’t anticipate the changes it would bring to my life, it ain’t easy having your blinders knocked away. As each new thing was revealed to me, not just the harm done to me, but also the harm I’d put into the world, my faith grew stronger and my awareness of His existence grew more sure and solid. None of those things were in my mind when I prayed for what I thought was a simple thing, because I couldn’t see the bigger picture and the ripple effect such a change can bring.
In the years since that morning in the sun a lot has changed, most not obvious to the eyes, and it took me six years to even figure out that God had answered my prayer. Honestly, in the last six years of struggle, repeated injuries, and learning to trust God with everything, I had completely forgotten that I had those intentions and made that prayer. The memory of the prayer popped into my mind this week, and then I saw a FB memory where I spoke of the illness, and it all fell into place. Aha! So that’s what happened! Dang…mind blown. And then I spent a day rather stunned as the last six years of struggle shone with a new light. God answered my prayer, I just didn’t know what I was asking, or have any clue of how it would manifest.
I won’t tell you to be careful of what you pray for as we’re all on different journeys, but I will likely be a little more cautious in the asking because I know I’m not always prepared for the result.
As always, keep seeking.
