I haven’t been posting a lot of blogs recently and the main reason is that I’m angry, and I didn’t really want to push that anger out into the world. I’ve written plenty, and when I see the anger sneaking in with no way to say what I feel without revealing it, I close it out. It’s righteous anger though; it’s the anger that comes when you finally find respect for yourself, your abilities, and your own existence.
I find I’m most angry over all the losses, the loss of a education, the loss of the love and affection a child needs to become a well-rounded human being, the loss of a central nervous system that works correctly and isn’t constantly on high alert waiting for the next threat. I’m angry that I never had a mother I could trust, one who would protect me. I’m angry that as an adult I never had a mother who was a friend, one who would hold my secrets and stand up for me. I’m angry that through all the suffering I’ve endured in my life, my mother only viewed my pain as fodder for gossip, as a means to draw attention to herself.
I’m angry that I have suffered real brain damages from the concussions, the beatings, the threats, and the continuous and constant stress through my formative years. I am angry that every confidence I trusted with my mother was shared far and wide, and not just shared, but subtly changed to suit her wants and needs for attention. I’m angry that in my childhood every little thing was a dramatic, never-ending crisis. I’m angry that my mother never tried to be a good mother, never taught me anything useful or valuable, it was all about her, her feelings, her needs, her wants, her desires to be the focus of everyone in her world.
I am angry that the only affection I received as a child was in front of an audience, and had no real feeling behind it, it was just a show for others. I am angry that I am the daughter of such a cold, heartless, unfeeling, and cruel (mean-girl) woman, and that I was never allowed to be my own person, I was simply a possession that was expected to mirror her feelings. I am angry that I had to struggle so hard to find little pieces of myself, that being a whole, separate person was discouraged, while being a pathetic, helpless mess was encouraged.
The anger ebbs and flows, some days better than others, and I know with time it will lessen, and I also know that the anger is righteous and needed. What I find I am the angriest with is that I put up with it for so damned long, that I wasted the majority of my life seeking a thing that simply doesn’t exist. I am angry that I exposed my only child to the gaslighting and confusion, and now so many odd things that he said over his lifetime are suddenly making sense and I know from where those words emerged. I am angry with myself that I continued to trust my mother, and the countless times I was hurt, deceived, and gossiped about. I am very angry with the way I was used as gossip fodder over the years, my life, my pains, my suffering at the hands of a narcissistic parent were only used for talk, as a means of damned entertainment for people who would have never survived what I have endured.
So yes, the reason I haven’t posted much in the last year or so is that I am mad as hell! And following my well-established training, I’ve kept that anger to myself, not wanting to be or put a burden on anyone. I can’t say much will change by my stating these truths, but posting this blog will be a start.