Victoria S. Hardy

Victoria S. Hardy

Friday, November 30, 2007

More Chemtrails
(Survey Closed)

I have written quite a few articles on chemtrails and surprisingly, they have been some of my most viewed articles, which I find interesting because most folks say they not do exist and are simply contrails.

I sense that there is a common thread running between those who see chemtrails versus those who see contrails. This is not a debate about whether they are contrails or chemtrails, my curiosity has always been why some see the lines in the sky and are disturbed and others see them and say they are normal.

I have my personal beliefs of what those lines or writing is the sky actually are and I will elaborate if asked, but I suppose I am attempting a sociological experiment to understand the mindset of those, like myself, that look up and are disturbed by the scribbles in our sky.

I have created a survey and it is anonymous, but I am curious to understand what “chemtrailers” have in common. This survey may be followed by others as I attempt to understand our differences and what possesses us to not follow the company line and not believe what we are told.

Thanks for your time
And Keep Seeking

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Media Silence and Comet Holmes

I didn’t watch the news or check the Internet on my trip to Maine and I returned relaxed, refreshed and at ease with the world. But upon returning home I got back on the horse and began my exploration into recent events and have found the world is only growing stranger.

We have a comet hovering in out NE sky, visible to the naked eye and the mainstream media has not touched the subject. That disturbs me. Usually any major sky event from eclipses to meteor showers to comets garnish a mention on the local and national news, but this “comet” lighting up our night sky, hanging over our heads, is a non-issue.
Sky And Telescope

The experts appear to be stumped about why this comet has brightened by a factor of a million in 24 hours, but the forums are hot with this subject and the average folks have a lot of opinions about what it all means. From rumors of Planet X’s return, to Biblical quotes and all types of prophecies, to all known and some new and surprising conspiracy theories, people are speculating the what ifs of this new light in our sky.

For me, I have no answers and I’m just sharing in the speculation with others who may or may not know more than I do. It’s no secret that the Bible speaks of signs from the sky and it’s no secret that I spend a lot of time looking for them, since I was a small girl my eyes have been drawn upwards, half anticipating and half knowing something I cannot articulate. And my dreams have been littered with sky scenes for as long as I can remember.

I find it interesting that this sudden brightening of Comet Holmes appeared on my return from Maine, as it was in Maine that I began dreaming of a bright light in the sky. In the dream the bright light changed the world and exposed our essence, who we really are down deep and to steal a phrase from Dean Koontz from the novel Twilight Eyes, the light reveals our “underneath, under the underneath”. So the result of this light in our sky was good and bad, challenging and beautiful.

As the theories continue and I continue to bundle up several times a night and watch the comet through binoculars, attempting to discern if it is growing or fading, I am totally intrigued. I don’t know if this is the light that I have dreamed of or if it is the Star of Bethlehem as a few have suggested or if it is something normal and natural or something totally beyond what anyone has suspected, all I know for sure is that I am fascinated.

My only fear concerning Comet Holmes is the lack of media attention and how they may spin it when it is eventually mentioned. I have also noticed a sudden increased interest in space exploration from many countries and I wonder if Comet Holmes has anything to do with the renewed focus on the space above our heads. I also wonder why the space shuttle was launched recently, against advice not to and just happened to coincide with the brightening of the comet.

Look up and Keep Seeking

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Maine Is God's Country

I just spent 5 days in Maine. I had agonized over this trip for a myriad of reasons, my life changed dramatically when I lived in Maine, three short years felt like 40 spent in the desert. In hindsight, the signs were there to indicate the challenge Maine would present to me, the very day I began the move to Maine was also the same day my son had a near fatal car wreck.

During my first year in Maine, my son passed away, as an unseen pedestrian on a lonely South Carolina road and I nearly died due to a botched surgery, spending months in recovery. My next year in Maine I spent in a strange sense of discovery and experienced many mystical-like revelations. I couldn’t decide if those revelations were due to my nearly dying, the loss of my son, Steven or the magical and magnetic quality of the earth in that part of the world. The third year was a hard year of standing up for myself, fighting for a way to hang on and ended in exhaustion and escape from Maine.

Journeying up the east coast to face memories of the all the pain and struggle was daunting, but as my Momma always suggests, I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and pushed myself forward. The weather couldn’t have been nicer, the flowers were still blooming, the grass was green and the trees were just making their dramatic change. Upon arrival we discovered that we had been double booked at our cabin on Old Orchard Beach, but the owner’s sister opened up her bed and breakfast to Chris and I and as it was off-season, we had the place to ourselves. The beach was a block away and the evenings were warm enough to spend next to the water with just a jacket.

Although we were there for serious matters, confronting the surgeon, the experts and attending an all day medical malpractice hearing, we did have some time to see old friends and eat some seafood. And I also had time to deal with some of my personal demons. When I left Maine over two years ago I was quite angry, it felt like when I stepped into the state, I also stepped into my own personal hell and when I left, I left with hard feelings.

What has dawned on me is that although I hated Maine, Maine is the place that I strengthened my commitment to God and my understanding of the path of Jesus. I think that to understand Christ we have to walk the path of Christ, the good and the bad, the highs and the lows and sometimes we must surrender to God’s will, be it what we choose or simply what is.

I also realized on this trip that we cannot give God ultimatums, we can’t say if you don’t do what I want, then I will no longer believe, we have to trust that what God allows in our lives is only to make us stronger and we must accept the decisions with grace. Surrender is often painted as a bad thing in our society, but many times, upon facing a personal challenge, it is the only thing that brings peace.

I have yet to hear the outcome of my hearing, I do not know what the panel has decided, but I do know that even if I have to accept that what was done to me is okay in the eyes of the law, I trust that I am on the right path. I know that I am blessed, as I have always been blessed and my trust in the righteousness and goodness of God will not be swayed. Although I was raised in the Bible Belt and the South is said to be God’s country, I have met some of the gentlest and sweetest spirits I have ever known in Maine. And in Maine I truly understood what the suffering of Jesus meant to the world and to me, personally.

So as I sit here, tired, but no longer scared and anxious I would like to say hello and thank you to a few folks that showed me that sometimes you can go home again … Patrick, Matt, Gayle, Lincoln, Lee, Mike, Steve and The Red Sox.

Love and Light Folks and always remember that Life Is Good

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Exposing Fear

As a kid I spent a lot of time pretending I was invisible and some time wondering if I really was, yes, I was an odd child. And still to this day I feel comfort in remaining unseen, but instinct tells me it’s time to get rid of childhood meanderings and be seen. It is an arduous task for me to break habits that have carried me for 40 years and I struggle with the exposure. It’s almost like an out of the body experience to put myself on stage and drum, to know that many thousands have read my words and that pictures and videos of me live on the Internet. Sometimes, because my protective anonymity has been removed, fear strikes deep in my gut and I wonder what I have done.

I don’t know the reason it is easier for me to hide, except as I child I learned it is best to be small, quiet and invisible and there is comfort in old, familiar behaviors. I saw a lot of disapproval in the eyes of adults when I was young, with the exception of a few relatives and a handful of teachers, I always knew I didn’t measure up, there was something about me that people did not like. Was it because I was chubby and wore a squeaky brace on my leg? Perhaps I was disconnected and slow. Or maybe I was too quiet or too loud. I never knew the reason, but it only added to the knowledge that invisibility equaled safety.

For a couple weeks I have been attempting to write an article or a personal revelation to share with the world, why I feel I need to do so is one of the things I am attempting to figure out. I have revealed myself more in this last year than in any other time of my life and perhaps it is all just about taking a stand and finding my worth.

In a matter of days I will face a woman who caused me great harm and coming from the suck-it-up style of upbringing, even making that statement is hard for me, but the truth is, I was caused great harm. I will face this woman with an attorney at my side and a board will decide if I have the right to sue her. The woman is a doctor and the harm she caused was unneeded surgery, coupled with a mistake that lead to my spending weeks in the hospital, a couple months with an ileostomy bag, open wounds that would nauseate any horror movie fan and months of recovery. I was left missing 4 inches of healthy colon, vicious scars, wrecked stomach muscles, a lot of bills and physical issues that cannot be discussed in polite company.

As I try to define how I feel about this situation, my mind hesitates to go back. Reliving the days and weeks of trauma, fevers and unbearable weakness is no fun place to reside, not even for a minute, but the time has come that I must face what happened to me. It is nearly beyond my ability to explain how it felt to glue an ostomy bag to my stomach, to see that piece of intestine poking through my skin and even harder to explain the horror of seeing the 6 or 7-inch open wound left in my abdomen. And I struggle to relay the helplessness and fear of being so broken and sick and the shame and loss of control I felt wearing a bag to collect my feces.

Perhaps I am just beginning to understand that I am angry and felt abused by this doctor. I am supposed to understand that for this doctor it was not personal and for the most part I do, but for me, how can it be anything but personal as I live with the scars and the aftermath. In her world I am just a nameless, faceless patient, one of many and easy to forget, but my life has changed dramatically and I have daily reminders of our interaction.

It is also difficult for me to express my feelings of loss because I strive to find the good in all things, I look for the lesson and the reason and I try to grow through what I have learned. And as this world is dual, my lessons are double-edged swords. Life has changed and I am a different person from who I used to know and I see both positives and negatives in the updated version. I have a new suspicion and fear of doctors, their treatments and their pills and this has already created some challenges. My body has changed, my drive and my goals have changed and my limited amount of self-confidence has been altered.

And it is perplexing to attempt to understand and explain how this traumatic event has lead me to put myself out there like never before, when I was comfortable with my body, I was hidden and now scarred and wounded, I am exposed. Despite my fear of being seen and unmasked, a well-honed survival instinct has guided me to step on stage with my husband and to begin a writing career. And it is this same instinct that tells me I must reveal my story without shame.

I was injured and nearly killed when I trusted doctors who wanted to handle my case “aggressively” and I believed that their decisions were being made in my best interests. If I am guilty of anything it is trusting the “experts” and desperately wanting to feel better.

And now, I am dampening my natural tendency to crawl into my hovel and lick my wounds and I see that I must stand and state that I have been injured and I am worthy of compensation for those losses. I must hold my head up and declare that I am valuable, not just a guinea pig to be used for the sake of some intern’s education and then thrown away. The scars, both visible and invisible, do matter and my experience, and the near loss of my life, is important.

Next week, I will get in my car and drive to a state that offers both good and bad memories to face a woman who is only a sharp reminder of pain, loss and helplessness. I will find the strength that is my birthright, I will know that I am not invisible or unimportant and I will stand Victoriously.

Thanks for listening and Keep Seeking.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Signs Of Our Times?

I’ve read a few headlines of late that have startled me and I fully understand the idea that ignorance can be bliss. If we study the world regularly, perhaps we become hardened or frightened, but to believe we are left untouched by the exploration would not be truth. I ponder the state of the world often, the dualities of what is said versus what is done leave me both amazed and disturbed.

It has been said that what we see around us is simply an illusion, it has also been said that we are not to fear, but the headlines paint dark and insidious pictures. Some believe what we see around us is the product of our own creation and others believe that the world around us is an insane asylum and the goal is to survive it while maintaining our connection to the great truth. I don’t have any answers and I can see some merit in most theories of our existence, but when I look around the world I tend to agree we are living among the dead and the insane.

Friday afternoon at a Phoenix airport Carol Anne Gotbaum, 45, was arrested when she became irate after gate crews refused to allow her to board her flight. She was handcuffed behind her back and put in a holding cell. Later, she was found dead and police claimed she choked herself to death while trying to escape the handcuffs.
My Way News

My first thought when reading this article was, how does a woman, handcuffed from behind, manage to strangle herself? My second thought was simply amazement that this story was being reported as though it made sense. Ms. Gotbaum was a mother of three and a “wonderful, wonderful woman” according to her mother in law, Public Advocate Betsy Gotbaum. No one seems to be able to explain why Ms. Gotbaum was left alone in a holding cell while still handcuffed. NY Daily News

In Palmdale, California, last week, the wrist of a young girl was broken by a security guard at a high school after she dropped a piece of cake on the floor of the cafeteria. Pleajhia Mervin, 16, claims when she dropped the piece of cake, the guard instructed her to pick it up and she did, but not to the satisfaction of the guard, who then grabbed her arm hard enough to break her wrist and threw her on a lunchroom table. A student who captured the event on video was also arrested, as was the mother of Pleajhia Mervin when she went to the school to complain. Ms. Mervin has been expelled from school, accused of battering a security guard and ticketed for littering. ABC 7

Since when did dropping a piece of cake on the floor of a lunchroom become a threat to the safety of a school, such a threat, that a 16 year old is arrested for battery and littering? Isn’t cleaning the spills of children one of the reasons schools hire janitorial staffs? Students and parents held a protest on Friday and Ms. Mervin’s mother has contacted an attorney.

And in Sullivan County, NY, 14-year-old Samantha Martin was called from class by a security guard because she was carrying a purse. Evidentially, girls in Tri-Valley High School can only carry purses to class if they are having their periods and so security guard Mike Bunce pulled Ms. Martin from class to question her about her monthly cycle. FOX News

It seems Ms. Martin is not the only girl to be questioned at the high school about her period and several girls were called to discuss the matter with school officials. And I was pleased to see that students, upset by the treatment, have found a creative way to protest by wearing tampons and sanitary napkins adhered to their clothing, while others made purses out of tampon boxes. As I read this story I wondered what thought process convinced the officials at this school that sending adult males in authority roles to question little girls about their very personal bodily functions is a good and wise idea.

So there you have it, more insanity in our world. Is this world around us an illusion? Have we created this insanity through our thoughts and actions? Are we fully entrenched in an asylum, the bars made invisible by our refusal to see them? And do we view the above news snippets as normal and rational behavior, just a fact of life these days?

As Always, Keep Seeking

Monday, September 17, 2007

Fitting In Is Overrated

I sure am glad that I was born when I was, when the world was just exploring the realms of mental health and before new diagnoses filled the DSM yearly. I’m pretty confident that had I been born in recent years, I’d be dragged to an expect to correct my quirky behavior. It seems many of us take comfort in our diagnoses and the inevitable pills that come along with the new terminology. We trust our “experts” to whip us into shape, help us fit in and function in the way society expects and the labels they ascribe to us, sooth us. Well I’m depressed, or have ADHD or ADD or PTSD and we feel relief when our oddness is defined and treated, the weight of quirky behavior removed by the validation of an expert and the numbness of medication.

But I feel the need to offer a radical idea, what if God created us just as He meant us to be? What if those quirky traits are actually gifts? What if our oddness or sense of separation is actually the place from which our soul light grows? What if by dampening our natural behavior and attempting to fix something that was never wrong, we are spitting into God’s eye?

I’ve often stated that I dwell in the depths; I’m always looking under the surface of things to better understand the full picture. I also feel things intensely, it’s hard for me to shake off concern if I feel I misspoke or treated another unfairly. And sometimes I am super sensitive to my surroundings, be that out in the woods or in a crowded room of people. I can walk into a gathering and read the energy in seconds, who likes who, who’s in pain or worried, who is happy and who is angry. And because of these things I’ve always spent a lot of time alone, even as a child.

For years I believed this was a wrongness in me, that God had somehow made a mistake and I was broken. Of course, I came by many of these traits honestly, rumor has it that when my great grandpa saw company coming down the road, he would grab his coat, hat and gun and head into the woods, only returning after the visitors had departed. And as kids our favorite aunt, who we all firmly believed “brought the sunshine” when she came to visit, was delightfully and, at times, irritatingly eccentric and set in her ways.

And having come from a family chock full of writers, musicians and artists, I have to wonder if our perceived inability to fit into society is just our artistic drive making itself known. And I also have to wonder about a world where fitting in far more important than standing out in the way in which we were made. A society that is comfortable with the idea that everyone must fit into an easily counted bean drawer, is also a society that is slowly killing it’s artists, geniuses, individuals and adventurers.

I didn’t begin perusing any artistic endeavors until my late 20s and as I discovered my abilities in a world I had previously only peered at, wide-eyed and slightly envious, through the wrong side of the glass, the weight of my difference began to slide away. Perhaps the disconnection we see on earth is not based on religion, politics, race or sex; perhaps there are only two kinds of people, creative and non-creative. Perhaps the world is divided because we have radically opposing views, one view is dull and black and white and the other encompasses the entire color spectrum.

Different is not wrong, fitting in is not all it is cracked up to be and the “experts” do not know everything. Some say that we are living among the dead right now, that soulless beings are ruling the earth and organic shells masquerading as humans surround us. Some say the pharmaceutical companies, in hand with the mental health industry, simply see us as very profitable guinea pigs. Others say we are living in insanity and a diagnosis only goes to prove that we are, indeed, sane. And still others believe that any overt difference is a threat to humanity and needs to be treated aggressively and immediately.

For me, I believe we were created to become great, but our choice to grasp our God-given greatness rests purely on our own shoulders. In the Gospel of Thomas, Jesus was quoted as having said, “If you bring forth what is within you, what you have will save you. If you do not have that within you, what you do not have within you [will] kill you." (70) Bringing out our talents and our differences is the reason we were put here in the first place, we were created in the image of the creator and given the ability to create, when we ignore that, we are turning our backs on the Light. When we attempt to manage our differences through diagnoses and medication, we are spitting in the eye of God.

Be proud of your idiosyncrasies and Keep Seeking.

Inspired by
Kids Who Don’t Fit In

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Sanity Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

Sometimes I just know the majority of the world has gone insane, although weeding the sane from the insane has always been difficult for me. There are those that are considered sane and have high-powered positions, but I find their mental cohesion a little iffy and there are others that no one would question their diagnosis of mental instability, but I am sometimes wowed by the wisdom of their words.

It seems the divisions between sane and insane are thicker these days, what makes perfect and logical sense to one group, appears riddled with inconsistencies to another. Maybe it’s because in the last few decades’ mental health has been pulled from the closet and exposed to the seeking masses, therefore we are all armchair shrinks wishing to gently inform another of their lack of sanity.

It’s a busy world these days, the headlines come and go and it seems the descent into uniform madness is growing slippery with each passing day. Thought I’d share some news articles, I guess like beauty, sanity is in the eye of the beholder.

In Colorado an elementary school has banned Tag on the school ground, running games are still allowed as long as students do not chase each other. Two years ago another school district in Colorado also did away with the childhood favorite game in favor of alternatives with less physical contact

On August 29th a home in Indiana was raided by the ATF and although the warrant was sealed and we cannot know what brought the agency to this particular South Bend resident, Hazmat was called in due to an inordinate amount of stored material in the yard. Wood, sand bags and 55-gallon drums of gasoline were stored as the gentleman in question awaited the end of the world. WSBT One neighbor explained, “He came up and said the world was going to end and he needed the wood for his wood burners at home. He told me to start stockpiling perishable goods. Kind of a freaky scene there."

In California a young woman has covered her house in anti-government lingo inspired by God. Her neighbors definitely believe she has fallen off the crazy wall into the great beyond, but Estrella Benevides is confident in what she is doing and this is the second house she has covered with her beliefs.

And in Florida a man has been ordered by the city to remove a Ron Paul for President sign from his front yard. The city claims he needs to remove the sign or pay a fifty-dollar fee to insure that he will remove all said signs when the election is over. The resident believes the fee should only apply to the signs that litter every corner during elections, put out by the politicians or their crew, but the city believes it applies to everyone who puts a sign for a candidate in their yard.

So there you have it, a mixed bag of weirdness, sane or insane, I guess it depends on your perception. Individual insanity or group insanity, I guess we can all pick a side.

As always, Keep Seeking

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Doom Mongers, Truth Tellers and Illusion Spinners

There’s a lot going on in the world these days, the doomsayers expect the end to come any day and it seems many of us have trouble seeing what the future holds. The television news drones mindlessly, as real issues go undisturbed and Britney, Paris and Lindsey are still grabbing the headlines.

Government officials seem to be jumping ship with a new resignation each week, troops have been deployed to Washington DC, a huge war protest in Kennebunk was ignored by the national media and million dollar put options have been gambled on our stock market in anticipation of an upcoming collapse.

I see these things, first as rumors, then as facts, but I have little energy to write about them anymore. Perhaps it’s writer’s block, I hear it happens to all of us from time to time, or perhaps I am disappointed with my ability to change the world or at least, a few minds.

Some say reality is what we make it, others say we are perpetually at the mercy of others and still others say, everything is fine, what are you worried about? But this generation has been traumatized by the events of 9-11, just as my parent’s generation was affected by Pearl Harbor. The illusion is gone; we know a big, life-changing event can occur, because it has occurred. So we wait, expecting the worse, hoping for the best and attempting to numb our fear through a myriad of outlets.

We have been taught war from our youth and even I played with Army Men as a child. The wars rage everywhere, yes, on the battlefields in foreign countries, but also here at home, as we debate and gossip about who is better. Harley vs. Honda, Ford vs. Chevy, Gay vs. Straight, Black vs. White vs. Brown, Male vs. Female, Fat vs. Skinny, Vegan vs. Meat Eaters, Tattooed vs. Unadorned, Rock vs. Rap vs. Country vs. Soul vs. Pop, Conservative vs. Liberal and once we throw religion in, the wars swirl even more.

Why must we elevate ourselves by knocking others down?

The thing about facts is that they change. We’ve all seen it, what was common knowledge, a fact, in one generation, will become an old wives tale and a fallacy in the next. But people bet their money, balance their belief system and attack their peers over these “facts”. Facts that next week, next month or next year will no longer be truth.

As I read the headlines, websites and forums and I see so much energy invested into these facts, whether the fact is about how George Bush is the greatest president or the worst, or how the economy is great or awful, or how our health care system is the best or a huge deception and I simply know that I do not know. We can only guess at our truth and we can only follow the signs that we are given.

I will continue to watch the doom mongers, truth tellers and illusion spinners, seeking inspiration and “facts”. I will continue perusing headlines attempting to discover patterns to make sense of all things. And I will continue to watch nature longing for the signs that always come, but the simple “fact” of the matter is, my truth and yours will always be different.

Keep Seeking

Thursday, August 16, 2007

God has a Sense of Humor

Perhaps it is true that we create our own reality, some say that is the secret that has been hidden from us for eons and I’ve spent a lot of time pondering the idea. When I saw the movie The Secret I was inspired and I understood the power I held over certain personality flaws that I had battled in my life, but I also had questions. If we create the good and the bad in our lives and we are solely responsible for our creation, then did the fact that I had dreamt of my son’s death for years, also mean I created it? Did I, through the unconscious act of dreaming, hold the responsibility for his demise?

I have lived a rough and tumble life, like an ever-curious cat, blessed with 9 lives. Some have called me a chameleon, with an odd ability to fit in most groups, but remain true to myself and although it was a nice compliment, it was not truth. I’ve often been lost or seemingly overwhelmed by the energy of others and I’ve often wandered far from my path, but is it really a path if it has no name or real direction?

From the time I was 9 or 10 I knew I didn’t want to grow up to become a bitter old woman, strange from one so young, but I knew I would rise above than condition. My grandmother came to live with us in the months after my sister’s death and it was a hard time for all involved. The loss of my sister felt like the entire soul of the family had been sucked dry. My grandmother was a bitter woman who complained about deeds done to her by enemies who had been dead longer than I had been alive, but for her the wounds were as fresh as if they had occurred yesterday. She wasn’t the type of woman who baked cookies or patted you after a bike wreck. She carried a darkness with her, almost shadow-like, that I avoided at all costs and it was so strong that it left a life-long impression on me.

I’ve met many women, who after a divorce, swear they will never marry again, but for me, I keep trying and with the fourth husband I finally got it right. I am not ashamed of my track record, because I have grown and learned a lot, mostly about myself. As a kid growing up in a chaotic and violent family, I had a lot to learn about the workings of interpersonal relationships and I think few of us have a roadmap. As a child I didn’t envision myself married and never dreamed of a perfect wedding day, I dreamed of becoming a Beat poet in Greenwich Village, but alas, I was born too late.

Instinct has always been my guide, a subtle knowing. I’ve learned over the years to trust that knowing and even when the results of my actions don’t turn out the way I might have believed they would, I usually find that I have gained an insight, which would not have come to me without having experienced the turmoil.

So do we create our reality? If so, then much of my reality has come through dumb luck, strange blessings and subtle urgings. Until recently, I have never had a plan, or even much of a vision, I’ve pin-balled my way through life, ducking and dodging at the right moments, kind of blind and stupid, but always a survivor.

I did feel inspired by The Secret, in a post-hypnotic suggestion kind of way and the knowledge that I have more power than I knew was a helpful tool on my journey, but I also feel that to believe anything 100% means we are giving that power away. I’ve always felt a force or a higher power working in the world, a knowledge that good exists, heaven is real and that God has a sense of humor. Perhaps I am creating that force through my thoughts and if so, I can’t think of a better way to utilize the lessons learned in The Secret.

As always, Keep Seeking

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

A Ramble

I sound like Rodney King, but I do wish we could find a way to get along. Or at least leave each other alone. I see so much anger in the world and the world reflects that state of being right back to us through wars, weather and disease. I learned a long time ago that issues must be dealt with or else they fester and grow worse and our world is expressing that illness.

I feel blessed, but some that know of my experiences might wonder why and may even suggest that cursed is more appropriate, however, I know I have been blessed. Perhaps it is simply a matter of perspective and seeing the good and learning from the bad, or maybe it is just a stubborn mindset I’ve adopted, but I am pleased to be me. I think that all my troubles, challenges and losses have given me a unique view of the world and an empathy with people. I like to understand patterns and although exhausting at times, I like to look at situations deeper than most.

All this is leading up to my latest confusion and perhaps confusion is too strong of a word, currently I am fascinated and disturbed by the absolute anger surrounding religion. And I wonder how we can merge the loving words of God, by whichever name we call Him, with the abject hatred of others who believe differently than us. It’s a mystery that has been considered by minds much greater than my own, but still I wonder. And frankly I don’t see any organized group rising above the hatred, only using it and manipulating others to follow along blindly.

I’ve always held a deep faith, a knowledge of something bigger and grander than me, a rhyme and a reason to events that could not be explained by mere happenstance and I find great strength in that knowing. I’ve never been a joiner of groups or church, for me, I don’t find God in a room filled with others, nor have I found my faith through following the words of others, my belief is quiet and maintained through spending time alone. But I recognize that all people are not me and each should have the right and ability to make their own connections with God in the manner that they see fit.

I see a lot of Christian bashing these days and it has become popular entertainment to mock Christians. Unless we go to a Christian college we are taught that Jesus was just another in a long line of Sun Gods, a continuation of pagan ideals and gods, so to believe in Christ bespeaks of an ignorance of history. But I understand that even the very educated can be ignorant and the more we attach ourselves and cling to ideas of organized and approved truths, the more ignorant we become.

I guess it is the lack of spirit I perceive in the world and in the words of our leaders that disturbs me the most. And sometimes I wonder if the belief that we are born equally endowed with a soul is an illusion. What if only a percentage of us born possess a soul and a connection to God? As spiritual beings having a human experience our soul and our spiritual life should be the most important focus, but for the majority of us living today, it is not. What if, like planting a seed and nurturing it, we must work to grow a soul?

In my way of thinking when we are in tune with our connection to the divine, we are not threatened by others pursuing their beliefs. And I think the thing that few of us understand is that faith and God is important, if it was not important, there would not be so much anger and chaos surrounding the idea. Some may say religion is only there to control the masses and I think there is truth in that statement, but the desire to connect comes from the inside and it is strong. It is more than instinct, it is almost like a thirst for those who experience the gnawing, it is not a fairy tale or an illusion, it is a truth all unto itself.

People seeking their connection through religion have never offended me, but using that religion to justify harming others is very offensive. Yes, many wars have been fought balanced on the head of religion, but God did not order those wars, men did and men are not God. I see a lot of people seeking others to prove to them that God exists, not understanding we can only prove it to ourselves, it is a choice, it is free will and it is time, sacrifice and energy, just like tilling the ground to plant a seed.

Keep Seeking

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Expect the Unexpected

We are on edge, nervous and anxiously awaiting the next terror threat or false flag event that will again radically change our perspective. It appears to me that our leaders are a bit nervous as well, preparing for some event that they will only hint at coyly. So for all of us who follow the news, we know it’s going to happen, although when, where and how remains in the air.

It seems there is also a battle raging over the Internet, the only place we can go to find a semblance of uncensored truth. I’m sure in the future we will look back with fond memories at the time when we really knew what was happening in our world and when we felt we had choices and options.

According to the late Ian Xel Lundgold as we approach the end of the Mayan calendar, time will speed up. Since I spent a couple months totally enraptured by the idea of time, my ears really perked up, Time Will Speed Up. He explained that there would be more events in less time; more information unfurling itself across our consciousness and his prediction appears to contain much truth. He also said we are entering an age of ethics and that thought has stayed with me as well, and when I see another politician exposed, I believe he was correct.

For some reason when I think of the Internet, I think of the Tower of Babel and I see many similarities. The tower was built by a united humanity to reach the heavens, to see God and we were, at the time, connected through one single language, but we over-stepped our bounds; the tower was destroyed and the people were separated. The Internet has again united the world. It is a place where we can all seek, explore and connect and many are spending their time seeking enlightenment and a closer connection to God and freedom. It’s no wonder our leaders find the Internet so threatening and they are spreading dark seeds of disinformation everywhere.

When I hear stories from the Old Testament about a vengeful God and evil rulers, I think of our leaders today, warmongers, rights stealers and tax thieves. My father used to say, war is good for the economy and I’ve pondered that statement a lot and now I understand. My parents were raised during the depression, so I know war is not good for the people, but as I look about today and see corporations growing by leaps and bounds, I understand billions of dollars are being made off the deaths and destruction of people, of souls, of lives.

I’ve seen documents spanning back generations of our leaders stating how important it is to control what the people know, speaking of censoring the media and now the Internet. It is imperative to their leadership that we remain ignorant, busy, distracted and exhausted. Folks claim that chemtrails and HAARP are working together to keep us lethargic or even ill and the pharmaceutical companies are certainly doing their part in keeping us numb and asleep.

And waking up is growing harder, there are so many things calling us, so many places to step off the path and plenty of opportunities to latch on to one thing or another. We seem to be forgetting to look at the whole tapestry and see the bigger picture, we are getting lost. One source of information is propaganda, twenty, fifty or a hundred is a better way to see what is occurring and what is truth or could be truth. I fear in the search many are becoming exhausted and settling on what is easy or what strokes the ego. When we suddenly decide we are God, we are in the ego, God is in each of us, but we are not God.

The Light Workers concern me, I don’t think they actually understand their role and I believe many are blinded. Stepping out of the valley of shadows and into the light will do that. They vehemently preach of love and acceptance, but I fear they are bringing destruction. They speak of how misguided religion is, but don’t seem to understand they are creating a religion, just as stringent, or even more so, as the ones they protest against. They appear to believe that more truth can be found by following someone who claims to channel another, than by doing the hard work and research for themselves.

The time is coming when we will each have to make a decision and I don’t know if that decision will be what we have been taught Biblically or from the prophesies left to us by our Native American ancestors or if it is totally outside of our understanding. But it is vitally important to keep searching, to question beyond the simple answers, to ponder and to stuff our heads with facts, ideas and speculation. Will it be the good versus evil scenario we have been programmed to anticipate? I somehow doubt it, the trick is to keep us off balance and ignorant, expect the unexpected.

Keep Seeking

Tuesday, July 10, 2007


Life is cylindrical, repeating cycles and defined patterns and I wonder what that means in our lives as inhabitants of this planet. History is a funny thing, written by the winners and impossible to verify. And I can’t help but ponder if the facts we know of our past as a people are true or just an illusion we have been fed. A wise man, my father, stated that it only takes three generations to change the thinking of a nation and as far as time goes that is just a drop in the bucket, so how many generations are we from truth?

It appears that we are at the apex of learning, medicine and technology, it seems we know just about all there is to know, but in the back of our minds resides an itchy doubt. We’re in an age where the average citizen can broadcast across the world, where Al Gore can appear as a hologram and the only thing stopping us from stepping foot on any part of the earth is the price of a plane ticket. And still we are rushed, harried and unhappy as though an essential piece of our being is missing or perhaps as though we are living a lie.

I spent a lot of time exploring what people think, the ignorant, the arrogant, the humble and the wise are the opinions I seek, knowing somewhere in all the buzz will be a thread of truth. And I am more interested in those who have not found the answer, who are still questioning, than those who profess to know without doubt. We are living in wired and confused times and we grow harder to shock and more disaffected with each passing day. We are numb and punch drunk by the constant barrage of sex, violence, lies, deceit and brutality we see daily, beyond jaded and seemingly approaching the barbaric mentality of out ancient predecessors.

As I spent the last couple weeks really studying the headlines, digging into forums and message boards, trying to understand things, perhaps best left unknown, I’ve come to the conclusion that we are de-evolving. I don’t like to play into the ritualistic ideas of some of the better-known conspiracy theorists, but last week seemed ripe with clues of those theories. From the Live Earth concerts, to the renewed interest of the media in UFOs, to the ugly and depressing headlines screaming of children being hurt, abused or killed in the most bizarre fashions.

Life is cylindrical and I suspect we have been here before and I wonder if we, as a people, have the energy to change this downward spiral or if we are just stuck on a carnival ride through hell.

Keep the faith

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Why Now?

As usual I have been studying news, forums and blogs, seeking an elusive answer to a question that perhaps only lingers in my head. The question is, What the hell is going on? And I guess the answer is, more than I can wade through in a lifetime.

We seem to be at a breaking point, daily our news reports their ridiculous pre-packaged and approved stories and I wonder, Are they trying to piss us off? Recognizing that ambitious people always have a goal, I am stumped at the signs I see before me.

I am beginning to understand that we are being led, directed and manipulated and I’m not talking about the “sheep”, I talking about those called to seek.

I received an interesting email the other day, very well written, thoughtful and full of helpful advice, but underneath it was dark. His point was that the illusion was truth and smart people knew that, but it was unfair to the others for me to point out the illusions. I should latch on to an idea, reptilians, UFOs, 911 Truth or Church and run with it, but I should not go about pulling down the veils, the masses enjoy their illusion. I should simply grab a topic, true or not and enjoy the illusion and manipulate it for my advantage, because real truth seekers end up “broken and bitter”.

Disinformation is the deliberate dissemination of false information according to Wikipedia. Or disinformation is deliberately misleading information announced publicly or leaked by a government, intelligence agency, corporation or other entity for the purpose of influencing opinions or perceptions according to Source Watch. And for myself, I have found that wading through the available information attempting to find truth is like digging for marbles in the garden, occassionally you find one, but it takes a long time to fill up the jar.

And having spent some time studying various conspiracy theory websites and forums I have grown to understand another form of disinformation. I began to see a pattern with what the mainstream media is selling and the alternative, they want to piss us off and they want to scare us and many of the forums rule by the same mindset I saw in school, the bullies dominate, much like the decider, decides.

I like to understand the timing of things, I’m always asking, Why now? I know conspiracy theories have always been around, just like gossip, but there is a lot of money backing these endeavors of late and that translates to me that an awful lot of disinformation is being fed to the seeking masses, a huge distraction. But what are we being distracted from, what are we not seeing? The truth is hidden in plain sight, but the field is very cluttered and the light is not so bright.

Between terrorism, gang violence, sickness and disease, police state mentalities, chemtrails, concentration camps, satanic leaders, invasion of illegal aliens, rapes, murders, insane weather, impending famines, global warming, NWOs depopulation program and the upcoming chipping of the nation with the mark of the beast, we are being showed that this place sucks, that there is no hope, no escape and no way out. So why? Just fear for fear’s sake? Because our fear adds to their power? Or could it be something else?

In our arrogance we think we know, we think we have all the answers and understand the manipulations, but we are being fed and led. Sit back and consider why we are hearing all this now, why now? Why are we being led to believe there is no hope and no way out?

Love and Light

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Something Squirrelly This Way Comes?

I’ve been perusing headlines seeking some sort of confirmation of what I feel inside. I’ve been on the Internet for hours each day for almost a year, knowing there is something that I am supposed to see. And I have seen a lot. When I look back I try to find the exact place this desire to seek started and I can’t, it’s been both a steady growing and a sudden explosion.

Spring of 2004 keeps a place in my memory, as does Hurricane Katrina, both times filled with signs of some scary thing lurking in the back of my mind. Previous to Katrina I was having a lot of water and storm dreams and one dream journal entry simply says “something about food and water in the attic”. When the events of Katrina were occurring, I sobbed for days, the sight of dead bodies lying on American streets ravaged me inside in a way I still can’t explain and I kept thinking, “It’s really happening, I can’t believe it’s really happening.” Deep in my mind it felt like a road mark, it felt like I had known it was going to occur and now I was in disbelief that it had.

Spring of 2004 was the first Spring I felt anything like hope after losing my son in 2002 and nearly losing my own life in 2003. It was wonderful, but strange. Sudden insights would come to me out of nowhere and although I had always known there was more to the world than I see, that knowledge of otherworldliness became concrete. I attributed the strangeness to a near death experience, but that didn’t really seem to be real to me. It was a though I was trying to convince myself that that was the reason for the strange change in perception and to this day, I still don’t understand the whys.

My life has always been filled with strange and synchronistic events, always and the older I have become the more aware I have grown of the odd threads that run through my world. I’ve always said that I have lived life by the seat of my pants, I go on instinct. And as a younger person I didn’t question those instincts very often, I used to run through life as though the devil was on my tail and perhaps he was. But life has a way of kicking your ass to get your attention and I guess that’s what happened to me and led me to the search.

Last summer I was drawn to the Internet and began exploring the world with a fervor that I could not explain, as though time was short. And in this one year I have learned of 9-11 truth, chemtrails, Bohemian Grove, Skull and Bones, disclosure projects, government deceit, corporate and medical lies, government funded pedophilia and sexual slavery, mind control projects, black ops, weather manipulation, directed energy weapons and other new age gadgets, religious deceit and the list goes on and on. And in all that mess, perhaps I have found was I was looking for, something squirrelly this way comes.

Now I am not a prophet or a psychic, but I have a bad feeling of what may occur this summer. And in spending some time on various forums, I am discovering that I am not alone. It seems our president is speeding along to an agenda that we, the people, have absolutely no awareness of, but I think we all know that he has a goal, an ending place. And it seems to me he is in quite a hurry. He’s signed more executive orders than any other president in history. He’s preparing for something, but what?

I was absolutely drawn into a forum thread on Above Top Secret when an supposed government “insider” going by the name of Ghost Raven stepped forward to warn us that a ET “false flag” invasion was scheduled for this summer. And I was not alone, the thread received record hits and over 1600 comments in a four day period before the “insider” claimed it was all a hoax, simply practice for him. I suppose what captured my attention was that I had recently written an article NWO Deception: Faked Rapture and Project Blue Beam about basically the same event, but his disclosure had a time frame, this summer.

He explained, before calling his missive a hoax, that sometime in July strange things will begin occurring, not scary, he stressed, just strange. Followed by more missing persons reports on the news and sightings of more strange lights in the sky. These events being timed to coincide with vacation schedules, when people talk more with friends and family about “scary” stuff. Then electromagnetic disturbances will occur, with disruptions of radio and TV signals and messages coming over the air. After these events have us on edge, a mass disappearance will occur and then a call to battle the evil aliens that captured our missing. This “insider” claimed to work with the a branch of the federal government concerned with domestic affairs and public attitudes.

It seems many on this forum took this statement as truth and even after the “insider” fessed up and several wondered exactly which part of the statements were hoaxes, myself included. Many spoke of dreams of seeing the skies full of UFOs and although I did not participate in the discussion, I have also had those dreams, with increasing frequency since Hurricane Katrina.

Now for such an event to occur the media would have to play their role and I noticed that at the same time the “insider” had us enraptured with his tale, FOX news had a story about a mile wide UFO spotted by a pilot. FOX News
And then to add to the mystery, right before the hoaxer confessed, the Emergency Alert System in Chicago went haywire, sending out false alarms. EAS and
Daily Herald

So after the excitement died down and the hoaxer was banned from the site, I began looking at other forum threads on different sites and found that folks who apparently weren’t privy to the happenings on Above Top Secret were also discussing the feeling that something was going to happen in July and August. The date of July 15th seemed to be quite popular, as well as, many foreboding feelings surrounding August, the pervasive feeling is that we are on the edge of some big event and although I have no clue what, I feel it too.

Now do I know that something will actually happen? Absolutely not, but the feeling persists and hopefully I am wrong. And if something does happen, I have no clue what it might be, from new and more inventive terror attacks to UFOs racing through the skies to dramatic earth changes to the second coming of Jesus. For those intent on reading the signs and patterns, the world seems primed for something and I guess this is my way of saying “heads up”.

Love and Light

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Who's Crazy?

Who is the real judge of sanity? And should our government and pharmaceutical companies be making those decisions? Frankly, after many of the mental health professionals I have met, I wouldn’t trust them to make those kinds of decisions in my life. I always figured people pursue degrees in psychology because they are attempting to understand what is wrong in their own life and I’ve known many admit that that was indeed the reason they were interested in the subject.

You may ask how I’ve come in contact with so many mental health professionals and although I was taken to counseling after molestation as a teenager, most of my experiences with psychologists were personal relationships and friendships as an adult. And I have to say that most I have known are as unstable as they profess the rest of the world of being. I even went so far as to marry one once… a man who ran around naked in front of the kids, hung the head of our dead dog on a tree and wanted to shingle our house with tin cans, was also the same man who put on a suit every day and made determinations about other people’s state of mental health.

So when I see the American Psychological Association adding new diagnoses to their Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR) I grow uneasy. These new categories are not created through study or any real new mental disorders, these new diagnoses are decided by member vote. Mental health disorders such as Reading Disorder, Mathematics Disorder, Disorder of Written Expression, Social Phobia and Nicotine Dependence are now worthy of mental health treatment, you know, behavior modifying drugs. News With Views

So who really should judge who is sane and not sane? The way the APA is heading everyone will be declared as having one disorder or another and with the addition of the President’s New Freedom Commission on Mental Health it seems the goal is to have all Americans evaluated, starting in pre-school.

As a young child I had imaginary friends that I talked to and played with, I guess nowadays to the APA that might infer schizophrenia and a need for medication. As a teenager, I failed Algebra, Math Disorder, I’m definitely a nut job now. Is it not enough that hundreds of thousands of kids are now zombied out on Ritalin? Whereas kids used to be able to run, play, jump and explore for hours a day, we’ve convinced parents that having excess energy is a disorder, instead of changing the system, we are attempting to change people and what makes a person an individual.

What we are seeing is one more infringement of our rights, as the pharmaceutical companies seek more ways to sell their products. In an article out of Ireland, psychiatrists are beginning to stand up to the pharmaceutical companies, claiming that "the influence of the pharmaceutical industry is unhealthy". The Drugs Don’t Work

And what is the goal of all this intrusion? Well, to make us more productive workers, tax payers and consumers, of course. That is, after all, the most important thing, right? We are supposed to change our way of being, of thinking and of feeling, to fit in an easily counted bean drawer. People are different, Thank God, and we are supposed to different, we are not all supposed to be same, because then, what the hell would be the point? Although we may all have a different ideas of why we are here, I think most will agree, we’re not here simply to please our employers, authority figures or peers.

In a battery of medical tests, including a psychological evaluation of my son to determine the amount of brain damage caused by developing hydrocephalus at 9 years old, it was determined that I was an over-protective parent and he was depressed and a hyperchrondriac. I was seeking help because I knew something was wrong, I beat my head against a brick wall that would not move- the rules and diagnoses created by experts. Finally, with his body emaciated, experiencing daily fevers and then seizures, they decided to take a second look and found he had been suffering from a fungal infection of the central nervous system for months, if not years. My instincts had been right, the symtoms he complained of were real and after innumerable surgeries, months of recovery and two years of home school, he was ready to go back to school, but not one expert apologized. And I’m sure the records were never changed, to them I’m still over-protective and he’s a depressed hyperchrondriac.

If I had of listened to the experts, I would have ignored my instincts and most assuredly lived to regret it, but by standing up and challenging them, I gained a label of mental instability. So I learned that what many in the world consider normal and sane, ie., listening to the experts over our own feelings and instincts, I consider insane. So it would only make sense that some things I consider normal, the experts would probably call a mental imbalance, so who’s right? And who decides? The government? Pharmaceutical companies? The APA? Or the individual?

Yes, I recognize that there are folks out there that are actually mentally imbalanced, but do we have to screen the whole nation? Especially considering how creative the APA is in naming disorders, we will all fall in one category or another. From mood disorders to male erectile disorder to religious or spiritual problems to relational disorders to pain disorders to anxiety, stuttering and sleeping problems, we can all find a home in the DSM. And a drug to go along with it.

Monday, June 11, 2007


Hope is the most important thing and in this world where the only accepted emotions are fear and hate, hope has to struggle to be felt. I spend a lot of time attempting to understand mysteries and I do so because I am truly seeking to know myself, completely and at the core. I figure anything that catches my mind and intrigues my thoughts is simply showing me another piece of myself. Some may believe that seeking to know myself is a selfish endeavor, but having given 30 odd years to not knowing myself at all and living a life of constant chaos, I found that ignorance didn’t work so well for me.

As I explore the headlines, seeking the threads that will call my attention, I notice again and again how almost all media wants us to fear. The mainstream media implies things are under control, somehow, but still we must be weary, watchful and on alert and the alternative media tells us things are awful, out of control and actually quite frightening and we must be on guard. The religious media tells us that things are bad, near the end times and we must watch the groups of other religions or atheists and understand that believers are under attack. And the atheists and agnostics warn us that the believers will take our rights and force us to conform to their ritualistic behaviors. The medical headlines inform us there is a drug for everything; even things we had that we didn’t know were abnormal and how important it is to see your doctor. The holistic communities tell us that the medical community is completely off the mark and we must be informed and fight for our rights to choose our own forms of health care. The security experts tell us a new 911 is inevitable and pulling out of the war will only hurry that conclusion along and the anti-war folks say we are only making the situation worse over there and participating in genocide. And then we have the entertainment business, selling us sex and violence at every turn, wrapped in hundreds of different guises, but always the same.

And frankly, it is exhausting, but I guess that is the point. I believe that this journey we call life is like a staircase, with each step forward on the path, we must remember what we learned on the last. And with each step forward, as our perspectives broaden, more fear and illusion will be thrown our way.

Humanity at this point seems infected with fear and it is a fear they want to share. And I, for one, am tired of living in fear, exhausted and overwhelmed by the carrying the weight. We must remember the real truth is hope, if we have faith in a better future, we can create that future and if we listen to the doomsayers and fear mongers and take up our cross in their way, we are creating exactly what we fear the most.

Fear Less and Hope More

Monday, June 04, 2007


I wrote an article last week for the American Chronicle entitled NWO Deception Faked Rapture and Project Blue Beam and in that article I mentioned Bohemian Grove, an ultra exclusive men's club in California in which our President and many other super rich and influential members of the Global society are members. If you are not familiar with Bohemian Grove see Alex Jones. And I received this email from a member of the Sonoma County Board of Education and it disturbed me.

"You know absolutely nothing about the Bohemian Grove and u tube is NOT accurate and very misleading. How I know this is I work there. So, one should not write about what they don't know and people who submit stuff on u tube only gave you what they wanted YOU to see. The Cremation of Care is a musical production, if you watch the video it is dark and no voices can be heard and the person that submitted that video did it for money. How sad that you have fallen into that stuff. Also please note that any one who is political and holding office are not allowed."

Notice to Recipient: Information contained in this message may be privileged, confidential and protected from disclosure. If you are not an intended recipient, it is strictly prohibited to use, disseminate or copy this communication. If you have received this in error, please reply to the sender and then delete the message.Thank you.

-----Inline Attachment Follows-----
begin:vcardfn:Angela Aubryn:Aubry;Angelaorg:Sonoma County Office of Education;Special Education/NPS-Foster Youth Grant adr:;;5340 Skylane Blvd.;Santa Rosa;CA;95403;USAtitle:Admin. Support Secretary IVtel;work:707-522-3222tel;fax:707-524-2709url:http://www.scoe.orgversion:2.1end:vcard

I reponded as follows:

Ms. Aubry,

I stated in the article: "Now I cannot say I know for sure what happens at the two-week yearly encampment at Bohemian Grove, because I have never been there, but if even one of the rumors about our leader’s endeavors are truth, then folks, we have been terribly misled."

Even if the "cremation of care" is a musical number, the occult aspect of it is quite obvious and for some reason, I am disturbed by the most powerful men in the world burning a mock casket at the foot of a giant owl, I don't like what that implies even if the background music is "Mary Had a Little Lamb". I am also disturbed by a member of the Education Department working with special needs children writing me in defense of such behavior.

The You Tube links I provided are simply photographs from a deceased member's estate(You Tube Photos of Bohemian Grove) and also a ABC news clip from 1981(ABC News 1981), I did not include the Alex Jones video. I am leaving it to the readers to make their own decisions about what occurs there, they say that a photograph speaks a thousand words and the photos are quite clear.

And just because one is not holding office, it doesn't automatically mean they no longer have influence on what occurs in this country and abroad.

Thanks for writing,

Am I the only one that finds it disturbing that this woman works for both the Board of Education and Bohemian Grove? Especially with Foster Youth.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Is Blue Beam Possible?
Something to think about...

In a paper entitled Controlled Effects written by Dr. William L. Baker, chief scientist of the Air Force Research Laboratory, in June of 2004, he states, “The Controlled Effects challenge envisions the ability to tailor and deliver the most appropriate type and amount of energy onto targets of military significance to create a particular desired effect.” He goes on to say, “With the advent of directed energy and other revolutionary technologies, the ability to instantaneously project very precise amounts of various types of energy anywhere in the world can become a reality.” Then he explains, “Controlled Personnel Effects investigates technologies to make selected adversaries think and act according to our needs. Dominant Remote Control seeks to control, at a distance, an enemy' s vehicles, sensors, communications, and information systems and manipulate them for military purposes.” Controlled Effects

The words that caught my attention in this document are “particle-beam weaponry” “high-power microwaves” “directed energy” “cloud seeding” “physically influence” “mentally influence or confuse personnel” “sensory deception” “synthetic images, or holograms” “production and storage of antimatter” Dr Baker continues to say, “A current example of this technology is Active Denial, a nonlethal counterpersonnel millimeter wave system that creates a skin heating sensation to repel an individual or group of people without harm. By studying and modeling the human brain and nervous system, the ability to mentally influence or confuse personnel is also possible. Through sensory deception, it may be possible to create synthetic images, or holograms, to confuse an individual' s visual sense or, in a similar manner, confuse his senses of sound, taste, touch, or smell.”

Friday, May 25, 2007

Chemtrails on the Brain

I’ve got chemtrails on the brain of late; suddenly I feel a rush to understand what they are all about, as though time is short. I think our leaders are working on a timetable that is beyond our comprehension and with the latest document our president signed declaring himself complete and total control over our government in case of a national emergency,
New Presidential Directive Gives Bush Dictatorial Power, it only increases the thought that something is up.

I think as far as chemtrails go we are short changing ourselves to say it is just this or just that, when we look only in one direction, we are likely to get blind-sided. Yes, it is about weather, geoengineering, communication technology and mind manipulation, but there is more. This plot is so secretive and yet it turns up in different theories, under different guises, in too many places for my comfort.

In my last blog I explained the ideas of Project Blue Beam (see below), I hadn’t understood why thoughts of the Rapture had been in my head for months. I had a sinking suspicion that the rapture could be used as a mighty tool of deception and then I discovered Blue Beam and had an “Aha” moment. Although many will read about Blue Beam and dismiss it immediately, I see that it is possible and even likely. I hear all the time how incompetent our government is, how badly they screwed up Katrina and 911 and how incapable they are of carrying out any conspiracy type endeavor, but isn’t it convenient that most of us think that way? We think they are incompetent because they mishandled Katrina, but perhaps it was handled just as planned.

Yesterday, I went back to the basics with chemtrails, thought maybe if I go over all of it again, something will click, so I started with HR 2977 The Space Preservation Act introduced by Dennis Kucinich in 2001. And when I read this segment, after recently reading about Project Blue Beam, I was stunned. “(B) Such terms include exotic weapons systems such as--(i) electronic, psychotronic, or information weapons; (ii) chemtrails; (iii) high altitude ultra low frequency weapons systems; (iv) plasma, electromagnetic, sonic, or ultrasonic weapons; (v) laser weapons systems; (vi) strategic, theater, tactical, or extraterrestrial weapons; and (vii) chemical, biological, environmental, climate, or tectonic weapons. (C) The term `exotic weapons systems' includes weapons designed to damage space or natural ecosystems (such as the ionosphere and upper atmosphere) or climate, weather, and tectonic systems with the purpose of inducing damage or destruction upon a target population or region on earth or in space.” The section was left out the following year when the bill was rewritten as HR 3616 and that section is the absolute description of what the chemtrails represent.

As a brief review, Project Blue Beam is an elaborate hoax on the people; complete with an amazing sky show dubbed “The Night of a Thousand Stars”, a hologram of a fake messiah descending from the clouds, messages being beamed into our thoughts through low frequency technology, God-like voices seeming to originate from space and a fake rapture. All this is to be used to control the masses into submission, introduce a one-world currency and perhaps a new God. Call this the Anti-Christ or the New World Order, seems to be much of the same in my eyes. Some of you are saying, “that could never happen,” and maybe you are right, but they say forewarned is forearmed.

In an interview with Dr. Stephen McKay, a chemtrail investigator, he stated, “one of the goals of the DOD is to create projections into the sky.”

I have been attempting to understand the effects of radio waves on our brains and it’s a lot of information to take in, but from what I can deduce, manipulating the energy of the earth, also manipulates the energy of the earth being. It affects our emotions, our state of being, our health and once the body begins to weaken, it is very easy to affect our thoughts. This is not science fiction, this is science fact. This has been experimented with over and again since the 40s and 50s, probably earlier.

We seem to think that just because we wouldn’t do something cruel and destructive that means that others wouldn’t as well, but that is backward thinking. Jesus stated we are to be as wise as the serpent and as innocent as the dove. What does that mean? Wise as the serpent, wise as Satan, wise as evil? I think it means we should keep our eyes on our leaders and understand what is motivating them, understand that darkness does exist in this world and just because it appears on television under bright, hypnotic lights, doesn’t mean it isn’t darkness. Just because it lives in a fancy house, claims to be Godly and owns millions of dollars, doesn’t mean it’s not evil. And just because it’s popular and everyone is thinking that way, doesn’t mean that its truth.

You know I wondered, with millions of readers across the country of the Left Behind series, why couldn’t they get a great movie deal to create a big screen event for the folks, full of special effects, but then it dawned on me. If we saw it at the theater, we wouldn’t believe it when we saw it happening in the skies above our own backyards.

More reading:

Chemtrails and Mind Control

Aerial Mind Control

More on Project Blue Beam

Friday, May 18, 2007

Chemtrails, the Rapture and Project Blue Beam

Life is interesting. I’ve had this feeling for some time, a gut thing that I was going to see a huge manipulation with religion. I couldn’t really say how I came to that conclusion or I could give a hundred connections that would make no sense to the casual observer and be clear as crystal in my head. So I guess I just knew.

I’ve also stated again and again that all things are connected and even though I can’t always find the threads which connect point A to point B, oftentimes it’s just a “knowing” and I trust that. Now the mystery of chemtrails have been tugging at my brain for months and I’ve done a lot of research and written a few articles, but I haven’t felt I had a grasp on it until recently. I’ve known that chemtrails disturb me, send me into metaphysical theory and make me question death, God, UFOs, the rapture and the afterlife and now I think I finally understand why and can put the mystery to rest.

Serge Monast, a Canadian journalist, released his discoveries on The Blue Beam Project in 1994 and rumor has it that he died of a heart attack a few weeks later, although this is a fact I have not verified. It is said that Project Blue Beam is the way the New World Order will deceive millions of people of all faiths through advanced technology. The Blue Beam Project is a four step agenda to push a new age religion onto all faiths, because “without a universal belief in the new age religion, the success of the new world order will be impossible.” Project Blue Beam

The first step is engineered earthquakes and faked discoveries. The earthquakes will occur at precise locations on the earth and new artifacts will be uncovered and the false information will then be used to make all nations believe that their religious beliefs have been misinterpreted. Was “The Lost Tomb of Jesus” the first step in this process?

The second step is a big space show in the sky. These images will be projected from satellites on the sodium layer about 60 miles above the earth. “The show will consist of multiple holographic images to different parts of the world, each receiving a different image according to the specific national, regional religion. Not a single area will be excluded. With computer animation and sounds appearing to emanate from the very depths of space, astonished ardent followers of the various creeds will witness their own returned messiahs in convincing lifelike reality.” Was the UFO sighting over the O’Hare Airport a small dress rehearsal?

The third step is artificial thought and communication. Through “telepathic and electronically augmented two-way communication where ELF, VLF and LF waves will reach each person from within his or her own mind, convincing each of them that their own god is speaking to them from the very depths of their own soul.” This might sound outlandish to some, but Tesla’s discoveries show us that through radio waves our moods can be manipulated and that was over 70 years ago. And with the government’s MK-ULTRA project, it has been disclosed that the CIA has been conducting mind control experiments since the 1950s.

According to Lt. Col. Alexander, “If it is possible to feed artificial thought into the multigenic field via satellite, the mind control of the entire planet is now possible. An individual's only resistance would be to constantly question the motivation behind their thoughts and not act upon thoughts which they consider to be outside their own ideological, religious and moral boundaries.” He also stated, “The information on those kinds of technologies presented here would be considered by some to be ridiculous since it does not conform to their view of reality. But some people still believe the world is flat.”

And the final stage is universal supernatural manifestation with electronic means and this one contains three parts. The first idea is to convince all nations that an extraterrestrial invasion is about to occur. Each nation will be provoked to use their nuclear arms against the incoming threat and only later will it be revealed that the threat was false and the nations that fired weapons will then be sanctioned into disarming.

The second idea is the faked rapture. “The second one is to make the Christians believe that the rapture is going to occur with the supposed divine intervention of an alien (off-world) civilization coming to rescue earthlings from a savage and merciless demon. Its goal will be to dispose of all significant opposition to the implementation of the new world order in one major stroke, actually within hours of the beginning of the sky show.” As ridiculous as this sounds, televangelist Jack Van Impe has stated several times on his show that the New Jerusalem will be coming from space.

And the third part of the final stage is a mixture of supernatural and electronic forces. “The waves used at that time will allow "supernatural forces" to travel through optical fibers, coaxial cables (TV) electrical and phone lines in order to penetrate to everyone at once through major appliances. Embedded chips will already be in place. The goal of this deals with global satanic ghosts projected all around the world in order to push all populations to the edge of hysteria and madness, to drown them into a wave of suicide, murder and permanent psychological disorders.”

So finally, in my mind I understand the ultimate use of the chemtrails, I’ve understood the weather modification aspect, improved satellite, communication and radar technology, what radio and microwaves are capable of and all the other ideas that explain chemtrails, but I always felt something was missing. Seems to me Project Blue Beam is the missing link. I know many will have difficulty believing both the idea that anyone would attempt something so outrageous or that something so outlandish would actually work, but what if?

Other articles of interest:

A Doctor Speaks Out On Chemtrails

An Interview With Dr. McKay

The Rapture, Star Seeds and The Anunnaki

Hate, The Media and Jesus

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Rosie and Me

Evidently it is wrong to like Rosie O’Donnell, I received so much hate mail from my last article, Go, Rosie, Go that I was absolutely stunned. Who knew Americans were so sensitive? And so angry? Well, now I know and guess what, I still like Rosie. Although I have been called a moron, idiot, stupid, anti-American and other names I can’t mention in print, I understood what Rosie was attempting to explain, she is not the most eloquent speaker, but I have done the research and knew what she was trying to relay. I naively assumed that others had done their homework, as well and didn’t figure it was my job to point out all the inequities of the investigation, but I was wrong. Obviously we like to be spoon-fed our opinions in America, we like to turn on the television or radio and have a box tell us what to think, we trust the media to tell us the truth and we are willing to fight anyone that says something different than what we heard.

I, myself, like to think outside of the box. I understand the fear involved in acknowledging things are not as they seem, but I feel it is my duty to rise above that fear. As I have stated in previous articles, Americans like their lives just so and few are willing to upset the apple cart, because in doing so we might lose some material possessions, some security. We may lose some of the “things” that define us, cars, our houses, electronics, and our toys, we may have to make hard decisions and who wants to do that? But the families of the 911 victims had no choice, their worlds were turned upside down in an instant, their lives changed forever, the perceptions radically readjusted.

And what many may not understand until they have experienced it, is that when you lose a loved one, you have questions, you want details, you want answers. It is not simply something you accept and go on with your life, you have to understand every aspect of your loved one’s death. But in America, the widows of the 911 tragedies were condemned for asking questions and Ann Coulter made big bucks by calling these suffering women “harpies” and suggesting that they were enjoying the loss of their husbands.

If we leave aside, for the time being, how steel buildings can disintegrate into dust from fire, within minutes and look to the other issues, like the plane crashing into the Pentagon, You Tube with little debris or the plane crashing in a field in Pennsylvania with only pieces smaller than a phonebook left behind You Tube, those riddles are enough to make a thinking person question. And it has been reported that the master mind of the 911 attacks, Osama bin Laden, was in an American hospital in Dubai recovering from kidney dialysis on September 10th, 2001 and likely there on September 11th, 2001. As he was already on the FBI’s most wanted list, why was he allowed to leave that hospital? link It was also reported that in July of 2001 Osama bin Laden underwent surgery at the same hospital and while there met with members of the CIA. link

It is amazing to me that the mere asking of questions can generate such hateful and mean-spirited reactions. It seems we are more willing to be appeased with stories that don’t really add up, than to actually want to know the truth, because the truth of what happened that day might change our perceptions radically. It is easier to believe that 19 hijackers took over planes on a suicide mission, despite the reporting that many of these people are still alive. Loose Change and BBC

There is an incredible amount of information available on the Internet concerning the inequities of the 911 investigation, but I guess one must want to seek the truth, one must be willing to empty their cup and accept what they know might not be complete. I don’t claim to know who is responsible for this tragedy, but I do see that there are a lot of legitimate questions that are not receiving answers. Many high-ranking government officials have expressed criticism over the 911 Commission Report and questions about what occurred that faithful day. Patriots Question 911 And although it is implied that all experts agree with the 911 Commission Report, that is also not the truth, many have lost their jobs for standing up against overwhelming pressure.

So my heart goes out to Rosie O’Donnell for standing up for what she believes in and having experienced only a tiny bit of the hate she must be experiencing, she should be commended for her courage.

Friday, March 02, 2007


I have found that the more I learn the less I know and that is not a bad thing. As I watch the TV news and hear rabid opinions that are told as truth, mean and snide comments that are only meant to enrage and not to inform, I shake my head and sigh with contentedness that I don’t know. I see so much arrogance in the world, everyone seems to know-it-all and all subjects are black and white, but I recognize that the truth is often just as tangled and confused as the positions of right and wrong surrounding it. I also see the manipulations in the media and of our leaders as they try to guide us on a path of their choosing and not ours.

I believe that every person in this world is valuable, be they Muslim, Christian, Buddhist, Jew, Wiccan or Rastafarian. I believe that the soul of a gay person is just as valuable as a straight person, a handicapped person as valuable as one with no discernable disability; a homeless street person is as valuable as the president. The lines of culture and class were created by us, a security blanket to tell ourselves that we are better than those that do not have as much, or believe differently. We are told we cannot judge another, we should not judge another, but we do it without thinking and we spread that judgment with our words, we perpetuate the cycle.

I do not like gossip, I never have, although I have found myself caught up in it in my life, I have discovered, it rarely ends well and most often people are injured. And we have become a country of gossipers, our news headlines are gossip and few people look beyond the announcements to the nuggets of truth that may or may not be there, they hear the gossip and consider themselves informed. We are being distracted by the chaos and the dark energy of gossip and make no mistake; gossip creates a negative and injurious force.

And gossip is a pacifier, it’s far easier to spend time thinking of how others may have done something wrong, than to look inside ourselves and figure out our own dysfunctions. Truth be told, we are all screwed up and we are here, on earth, to fix those things and we make little progress forward when we focus on the perceived mistakes of others. We all know the buzz that grows in our bodies as we settle down into deep and often mean-spirited speculation of another’s misdeeds, we’ve all felt the way our heart races as we share our outrage and self-righteous indignation of another’s words or actions and that energy in our body is real, harmful and draining. But for many of us, it is like our morning coffee, how we start our day on a surge of energy.

Judging other people does not make us grow in the light of God, it does not make us grow in our own eyes, it does not create beauty or positive energy on the earth, it only drains the natural resources of our body, spirit and mind. Until we have walked in the shoes of another, walked the corridors of their mind and emotions; we cannot judge them because we simply do not know.

So as the news headlines scream of Britney, Anna Nicole, Paris and Lindsay we must ask ourselves, what are they not telling us? And as our own minds search for targets among our family, friends and co-workers, we must again ask ourselves, what we are avoiding? I have found a good starting place for discovery is the old saying, “There is something about that person that I don’t like about me.” Once we can begin to understand that it is rarely about the other person and usually about our own feelings, our pains and our angers, only then can we start moving forward.

Peace and Joy

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Aliens, Serpents and UFOs, Oh My!

Happy Chinese New Year. Isn’t it interesting that the Chinese named their years after animals that live in reality, snakes, pigs, dogs and oxen and yet there is the dragon shoved in there, does that mean that dragon’s actually existed when the Chinese named the zodiac? There is so much speculation on the Internet about the Anunnaki, supposedly the Serpent in the Garden of Eden and rumored to be an alien race that genetically engineered us to be slaves.

I wrote an article entitled “Serpents, Iraq and UFOs” (article) which has received a lot of attention, based on the speculation about the Anunnaki. The word Anunnaki comes from the Sumerian tablets discovered in 1850 and tells a different view of the creation of man. It is said that the Anunnaki were an advanced alien race that cruised the Universe seeking minerals and disrupting societies and approximately 400,000 years ago they landed on our planet. Some explain this as the reason that we have never been able to discover the missing link between Homo erectus and Homo sapiens, because our DNA was fused with theirs and we jumped the evolutionary scale. The story has it that the Anunnaki came here to rape our planet of it’s natural resources, found the work too difficult, and created us to perform the heavy lifting.

Of course, mainstream beliefs say that this is merely a myth, ponderings of an ancient people about how they may have been created. Now when I first heard this idea, I pretty much dismissed it as being ridiculous, but what I have discovered is that this idea keeps raising it’s head in a myriad of different places. I know that all things are connected and I also know that large parts of our history have been hidden from us, so when I see this idea again and again, I have to say, hmm.

There was a passage in the Gospel of Thomas that had had me scratching my head until I opened myself to a different theory of creation. Jesus said, "Adam came from great power and great wealth, but he was not worthy of you. For had he been worthy, [he would] not [have tasted] death." #85 And in the Gospel of Phillip it is said, “The powers wanted to deceive man, since they saw that he had kinship with those that are truly good. They took the name of those that are good and gave it to those who are not good, so that through the names they might deceive him and bind them to those that are not good. And afterward, if they do them a favor, they will be made to remove them from those that are not good and place them among those that are good. These things they knew, for they wanted to take the free man and make him a slave to them forever.”

Interesting ideas, and no wonder these thoughts did not show up in the Bible we were given as the rules of life. I am beginning to understand that we have lived under some heavy illusions, some call it programming, others just state it’s part of the duality that makes our world go round. My point is, I have felt this sense of wrongness in our belief systems, how Biblical ideas are pushed at us, while at the same time the opposite is also be shoved at us, example, Thou shall not kill, unless of course our government deems it necessary and then we must kill in the cruelest of fashions. We are told we should fear no evil, and yet that fear is pushed at us daily in various media forms and mindsets. We are told not to steal or commit adultery, yet we can steal if our lawyers figure out how to make it legal and Donald Trump is a fine example of how we hold adulterers in high regard. There is a disconnect between what is said and what is done.

So I believe it becomes important to question the obvious, to not just accepts things because they have always been done that way, but to find in us what feels right. I have felt the sense that our words have been manipulated and altered and I have studied the roots and bases of the words, because our words and the images they produce are important. It is time we question what we are told, big changes are coming and it is vitally important that we make well-informed decisions.

If the emails I have received are true, it will not be long before contact will occur with alien cultures, but the illusions and manipulations of who is good and who is not good are going to be thick, we must tread carefully and trust our instincts. Many things will be appearing on the news, many illusions set forth on the earth, we must make our own decisions and not look to what we believe are our leaders to guide us. Don’t just accept the ideas that will soon be unleashed, study, dig and seek, the truth will set us free, rise above the fear.

Love and Hope

Friday, February 09, 2007

Dreams and Stuff

I’ve always been a vivid dreamer, full color experiences that sometimes seem more real than waking and I can remember the dreams I’ve had reaching far into my childhood. As a kid I wondered a lot about dreams, which world was real, the sleeping one or the waking one? And how could the sleeping one bloom into the waking one sometimes? How could dreams that we have no control over manifest right in front of our eyes in the cold light of day? It happens sometimes, not often enough to plan on, but occasionally I feel like Alice in Wonderland falling through the mirror.

Dreams are difficult to decipher, there are plenty of dream dictionaries available, but they are really just a measure of archetypal standards and need a lot of personal interpretation. Things that are frightening to some, are not to others, thus the interpretation becomes quite individual. I often dream of turtles, typically relaxing and refreshing encounters, occasionally through, the turtle in the dream will turn on me and bite me. I have now learned to pay attention in my waking life when that happens and try to see around the corners to what may be coming or a mistake I am making.

I mention dreams because I have been having several interlaced recurring dreams for a while and I thought I should share. The first set of dreams I’ve had since I was a child and the Moon Men were my imaginary playmates of strange lights and craft in the skies. The dreams have continued through the years, with only the location changing, typically my Grandmother’s house in N. Georgia or the house I grew up in, in SC, but sometimes I’m not familiar with the location in my waking life, but I am in my sleeping world. These dreams have increased dramatically since Hurricane Katrina and as I watch the headlines for sightings of strange lights and the like and see more and more, my stomach becomes tense.

The second set of dreams started in the summer of 2002, interlaced with dreams of my son’s pending death and they always follow the same pattern. There is a bright light in the sky and people are changed, I use the word zombie, but understand not like the zombies we have come to know in the movies, these zombies look just like us and act like us, but the difference is on the inside, nearly imperceptible. The first dream was the longest and ended with me racing the zombies to retrieve a radio from a cemetery. The dreams made little sense and only served to put me on edge, until I began reading about HAARP, the GWEN towers and chemtrails.

Sitting in the backyard on the anniversary of my son’s death, I was watching the planes leave trails in the sky and I was talking to God or my son or the birds, whoever was listening and a couple things dawned on me. Things are occurring right here in the states under our own noses, while we are looking to the skies, seeking salvation from aliens or Jesus, a big plan is underfoot by the powers that be and we are being distracted. We are being gridded and mapped, studied and scrutinized; we must remember the government is at least 30 years ahead technologically than we are told. I wrote in my journal on that day that three things were going to occur in the states and I divided them by region. I predicted illness in the south, weather in the west and some type of destruction be it bomb or earthquake somewhere else in the states, perhaps the middle of the country.

Evidently a lot of lights are being seen in the skies of NC and I have noticed a lot of illnesses being reported on our evening news, with warnings to stay out of the emergency rooms, the “cruise ship” virus is currently being talked about in Greensboro, a couple weeks ago it was red measles. Also on the late news night before last, an elementary school had 410 absences on the same day; the school only has a little over 700 students. And the Christmas snows in Denver certainly made the news as thousands were stranded in that creepy Denver International Airport.

So as usual I have no answers, only more speculation and questions. Are the conspiracy theorists correct and we are being marked for destruction by some global entity? Are the Christians right and we are on the brink of the Second Coming? Are the New Agers right and we are about to meet our galactic neighbor? Or is it a combination of all the above? Until next time, what are you dreaming?

Love and Light