Healing Loudly Part Two

I should have known. It always happens. I should have known. The day after I posted my last blog my back tried seizing up several times, and I was left with what I will refer to as that pre-seize pain, afraid to move much in case it decided to fully debilitate me for days or longer. Thankfully, after some slow, long, stretches, and breathing exercises, it has calmed now, but it always happens or something similar, when I speak out.

 

More than a decade ago my articles were very popular on the Internet, and when I’d see how many views they were receiving and I’d get the emails that always came, I would have massive anxiety attacks, trembling all over. It was the fear of being seen, of being known, of getting in trouble by drawing attention to myself, a legacy of growing up under narcissist abuse.

 

And it seems I’m not alone, most children growing up as I did, both the scapegoats and the golden children tend to end up with medical issues. I know that I have certainly suffered vague, apparently impossible to diagnose sicknesses and physical ailments, and I’ve had a lot of surgery. The constant drama, the gas lighting and confusion, the fear of being caught, even when you’ve done no wrong, and the constant fight or flight stimulation leaves victims of abuse in poor physical states. We tend to suffer autoimmune disorders, constant rigid muscles, depression and mood swings, anxiety, digestive and heart problems, and a myriad of other stress related issues. 

 

There are biological reasons we survivors of childhood abuse suffer throughout our lives, and it has to do with the development of the brain, and the chemical reactions that occur when we are under threat. Our bodies and minds are poised to remove ourselves from the threats, but as children there is nowhere to go, no safe place to escape, we are trapped, and the body holds on to that and does not forget. Over and again we experience the trauma, and over and again it remains trapped in our bodies, and soon we find that we are constantly in pain.

 

The legacy of child abuse does not end when we become adults as our brains have literally been changed by the abuse, re-wired by the abuse, and in my case, I also have the damage done by many concussions.  The changes done by childhood abuse affects the cells in the anterior cingulate cortex, which plays an important role in the regulation of emotions and mood. Studies have shown significant changes in the white matter of the brain, which is made up of myelinated nerve fibers that, much like the electrical wires in our homes, conducts the brain’s electrical system. The myelin is the nerve fibers’ protection, and those who suffered childhood abuse have a stunted myelin system.

 

Childhood abuse also affects the development of the amygdala, our system to emotional regulation and to reward and satisfaction, as well as the hippocampus. The hippocampus helps with memory, cognition, and learning new things, and studies have shown that in childhood abuse survivors that part of the brain is shrunken and it has to do with the repeated and unexpressed fight or flight reaction that bathes the area in cortisol and retards its growth.

 

Although the abuse does cause physical changes in the brain, it is my belief that consciously healing also changes the brain, for the better. When I was younger, before I knew anything about Complex PTSD, before I realized that I was raised and abused by a covert narcissist, and when I still worked diligently to fit in with my family, pretending the abuse never happened, I was in poor physical and emotional shape. I suffered many physical ailments, had strange debilitating illnesses that defied diagnosis, and felt sure that I was crazy. I took handfuls of daily medications, and never found much improvement for my issues.

 

Healing doesn’t happen overnight, and it has been at least a decade of consciously working to be physically healthy, and the changes look vast from where I sit now, but it was a slow and steady, step by step, process of cleaning up my diet and lifestyle. Still, though, I felt ‘off’ until I confronted the abuse and began to acknowledge the damage done and the traumas that I experienced.

 

I know that there is hope on the other side of these realizations, and I know that although the abuse and concussions caused brain changes and damage, I can heal. When my son experienced brain damage from a fungal infection in his cranial fluids and central nervous system, I saw the improvements achieved through simple puzzles and exercises that reopened neuro-pathways, so I know it’s possible to heal. All it takes is intention, prayer, and hard work, and consciously moving forward.

 

We can’t heal what we don’t acknowledge, and acknowledging the abuse has been one of my more challenging experiences, but I am determined. Let us not give up hope, and know that there is light at the end of the dark and scary tunnel.

 

 

 

https://www.futurity.org/child-abuse-changes-brain-1554882/

 

https://psychcentral.com/blog/liberation/2017/10/long-term-narcissistic-abuse-can-cause-brain-damage#4

 

 

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Healing Loudly From Narcissist Abuse

I never wanted or expected to be a spokesperson for healing from narcissist abuse, but here I am. I read a statement recently that we should heal loudly so that others can use our experience for their own healing, and it’s been stuck in my head and in my heart, that I have some responsibility to help others heal. It goes counter to my programming and training to speak out, to really speak out with the truth, and I have to admit it’s an incredibly hard and frightening thing to do.

 

These last six months have been difficult, the realizations and the full context memories have literally knocked me on my ass a time or two, and the anxiety has been nothing like I’ve ever experienced – the fear and trembling of working out my own salvation. I was asked not to write about my abuse as it may hurt my abuser’s feelings, and for the last six months I’ve held my tongue, once again isolated, and working against my own best interests. Working against my own best interests was how I was trained, and the lies and pretense is the wardrobe I was expected to wear for the rest of my life.

 

I knew speaking out would cause others to turn their backs on me because that is simply the way it is when you grow up in narcissist abuse. Growing up as I did you have this entire world of pretense and lies thrown over you, and you are expected to uphold those lies to the world, and as the abuse started so early with me, you carry those lies and pretense just because that’s simply the way it is. You carry the pretense even when everything inside is screaming that it’s a lie, you put on a smile and face the world and pray no one sees the truth.

 

I am done, I can no longer pretend, and the truth is I was one of the scapegoats in my family. The other scapegoat was my oldest brother, and when he grew into a man, dangerous and unpredictable in our abuser’s eye, the role fell onto me, as I was just a kid and a very easy target.

 

I have avoided looking into the topic of narcissism for years, both consciously and unconsciously, knowing that once I opened Pandora’s box there was no returning to the way things were before. And strangely, there was a bit of a mourning period of letting those old illusions go, realizing that things were never the way they were presented to the world, and acknowledging that I was never the person my abuser insisted I was.

 

There are many kinds of scapegoats in the narcissist dynamic, and I am beginning to understand that I am the truth teller. The other types of scapegoats are the rebel, the caretaker, the problem-solver, the protector, the perfectionist, and sometimes another covert narcissist is born under the selfish and incredibly damaging abuse. Being a scapegoat is a very hard and damaging road to follow, and it is the scapegoat who carries the burden of all the frustrations of the family, and the blame anytime anything goes wrong. The energy has to go somewhere, and the scapegoat is the receptacle where all that gets dumped. 

 

The dynamic is very clear, written about in books, shown in movies, and yet I avoided looking into it for years, the fear of facing the truth almost greater than the pain of being scapegoated my entire life. There are several types of narcissist, and narcissism is defined as a personality disorder in which the narcissist is selfish, lacks empathy for others, has a sense of entitlement, a need for admiration, and an inflated sense of self-importance. People growing up under that dynamic are very damaged, both the golden children (the chosen favorites) and the scapegoats are damaged. No one does well in a narcissist family, except for the narcissist themselves, as the children have long been divided and conquered, and have learned the hard way that keeping the narcissist happy is the only way to find what resembles peace, but that semblance of peace is always short-lived.

 

Some may ask, why now? Why talk about it now? It’s in the past, it’s over, why dredge up the old ghosts now? But the truth is it’s not over until the injured parties say it’s over, and it sure isn’t over for me as I now have to wade through the years of my life, the traumas I swallowed as something I deserved, and consciously begin healing my mind and my body. It’ll be over when I say it’s over, and not a second before.

 

I was asked to hold my words, to not write the truth of my own life on my own blog, and to keep silent until the narcissist died, and I had planned to do that, but something broke. Something inside could no longer hold the pretense, my body was giving out, my body was rebelling against the lies. It is completely unjust to expect another person to carry lies, and the simple act of asking me to do so is just another textbook example of being scapegoated. Once again the comfort and selfishness of the narcissist becomes more important than my health, my recovery, and my entire existence. Once again the narcissist’s feelings outweigh everything else, including my own health, but that is nothing new to me as my medical needs were neglected in childhood by the narcissist. I’m not going to continue down the path that says I am less than, my needs less important because others, outside of me, deem it so. 

 

The answer is no. I told that person that I would write what God inspired me to write, but the fear of speaking openly held me back, fear of retribution, slander, and rejection. God has been pressing on me to heal loudly, to help others in what I am an expert in, and I will no longer remain silent to protect the feelings of the person who went out of their way to hurt me and make me struggle. I will no longer protect the person who deliberately and with intent made my childhood a living hell, and I will no longer pretend simply to appease others who are invested in maintaining the lies.

 

If my words can help one person, then I must put myself out there, no matter how uncomfortable and afraid that makes me. So for a while this blog will be dedicated to overcoming and healing from narcissist abuse, there are more of us out there than I ever imagined.

 

 

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The Healing Power Of Tattoos?

I spent a day perusing the Internet and attempting to understand the public perception of tattoos. I recognize many don’t like them, but I didn’t expect to find such hate. In the voices of those writers I heard that the illustrated ones were low class, trash, sheep, new world order slaves, mentally ill, suffering from low self esteem, attention seeking, promiscuous and the list continued…

According to Life magazine, in 1936 approximately 10 million people had a least one tattoo in America. In 2000 the National Geographic News stated that number had risen to 40 million. In 2006, Pew Research Center completed a survey which found 40% of those aged 26 to 40 have at least one tattoo. http://www.vanishingtattoo.com/tattoo_facts.htm

As many reasons as I’ve heard discussed about the reason to get a tattoo – to fit in, to stand out, in memory of a loved one, military service, religious reasons or simply rebellion - I have yet to hear of health as a reason, although there is some merit behind the idea. Sounds crazy, right? How can a tattoo may anyone healthier?

In 1991, a mummy was discovered on the border of Austria and Italy. The mummy was said to have lived approximately 5000 years ago and is now considered Europe’s oldest natural mummy. An interesting thing about this mummy were his tattoos, which are believed to be have been medicinal, instead of decorative. http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn17469-worlds-oldest-tattoos-were-made-of-soot.html

The mummy’s tattoos - a series of lines, dots and small crosses distributed on his lower spine, right knee and his ankle joints - suggested that they were applied to alleviate pain. Studies done on the mummy have affirmed that he suffered arthritis, back and stomach issues.

In ancient Egypt many female mummies have been found to have tattoos, so many so, that it’s been suggested that it was an exclusively female practice. The tattooing on the female mummies shows a net-like series of dots along the abdomen, on the tops of the thighs and breasts believed to have added protection during pregnancy. http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history-archaeology/tattoo.html?c=y&page=2

And now, inventers have created the medical equivalent of the tattoo gun to be used to treat acne scars. Dr. Shah is one of the nation’s only doctors combining two new treatments that remove acne scars while minimizing these side-effects. “Those tiny wounds attract platelets and growth factors without severely injuring the epidermis and dermis. Collagen fills up the ‘valleys’ of acne scars.” http://www.healthyskinportal.com/articles/removing-acne-scars-studying-tattoos/107

The art of tattooing actually stimulates the body’s production of collagen, so those pregnant Egyptians were indeed protecting the babies they carried. Collagen has an important task in the human body supporting skin, bone, tendons, muscles and cartilage, as well as, the internal organs. http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-collagen.htm

I had never considered the healing properties of tattoos until my acupuncturist, noticing the tattoo around my ankle, pointed out to me that he thought my choice of its placement interesting. I was born with a club foot and despite the surgeries and braces I wore as a child, my ankle and foot have always been weak. My calf on one side is thinner, my afflicted leg a bit shorter and my feet are two different sizes. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Club_foot

The acupuncturist explained that tattoos increase collagen production and when asked specifically if the tattoo could make my ankle stronger, he stated is was possible, but not a lot of studies had been done on the subject. In the year since I had the ankle band done, I have noticed I have suffered less back and hip problems.

On my clubbed foot I have very limited mobility and for as long as I remember, very little feeling. I can not curl my toes on that foot and my small toes move as a unit – unable to move independently of the next. I am able to separate my big toe from the smaller ones, but I can’t bend any of them. When I was young this caused a few issues for me, but as I grow older I have noticed the pain from my unbalanced foundation growing worse.

Years ago, when I still had faith in the medical community, I spoke to a couple doctors about my foot. Surgery was offered, but it was also explained that it wouldn’t increase the mobility, it would simply make my foot look more normal. I opted out of the surgery idea because I don’t much care what my foot looks like, as long as it works and doesn’t hurt.

Recently, I went back for more tattooing, working on the club foot scar and surrounding areas and for the first time in a long time I am beginning to feel the ball of my foot and my toes. My foot seems to be opening up more and contacting the floor fully, whereas, I had been reverting to walking on the side of my foot much like the gait of those with an uncorrected club foot.

Although I know the public perception of body ink is discouraging and judgmental, there may be some merit to the healing capabilities of the procedure. I am not a doctor and I am not offering medical advice, just a simple, personal observation.

For those who have considered the idea of getting a tattoo why not place it near or on an achy joint and see what happens? Even if you have to have surgery later in the same area, a study from the 1950’s showed that the collagen production continued in an open wound inside a tattooed area, leading to smoother healing of the wound. dev.biologists.org/content/2/3/264.full.pdf

There are many companies selling collagen supplements for joint pain, but wouldn’t our own natural production of collagen in the affected area be more effective? Is a surgical scar more appealing than a piece of art?