Victoria S. Hardy

Victoria S. Hardy

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Media Silence and Comet Holmes

I didn’t watch the news or check the Internet on my trip to Maine and I returned relaxed, refreshed and at ease with the world. But upon returning home I got back on the horse and began my exploration into recent events and have found the world is only growing stranger.

We have a comet hovering in out NE sky, visible to the naked eye and the mainstream media has not touched the subject. That disturbs me. Usually any major sky event from eclipses to meteor showers to comets garnish a mention on the local and national news, but this “comet” lighting up our night sky, hanging over our heads, is a non-issue.
Sky And Telescope

The experts appear to be stumped about why this comet has brightened by a factor of a million in 24 hours, but the forums are hot with this subject and the average folks have a lot of opinions about what it all means. From rumors of Planet X’s return, to Biblical quotes and all types of prophecies, to all known and some new and surprising conspiracy theories, people are speculating the what ifs of this new light in our sky.

For me, I have no answers and I’m just sharing in the speculation with others who may or may not know more than I do. It’s no secret that the Bible speaks of signs from the sky and it’s no secret that I spend a lot of time looking for them, since I was a small girl my eyes have been drawn upwards, half anticipating and half knowing something I cannot articulate. And my dreams have been littered with sky scenes for as long as I can remember.

I find it interesting that this sudden brightening of Comet Holmes appeared on my return from Maine, as it was in Maine that I began dreaming of a bright light in the sky. In the dream the bright light changed the world and exposed our essence, who we really are down deep and to steal a phrase from Dean Koontz from the novel Twilight Eyes, the light reveals our “underneath, under the underneath”. So the result of this light in our sky was good and bad, challenging and beautiful.

As the theories continue and I continue to bundle up several times a night and watch the comet through binoculars, attempting to discern if it is growing or fading, I am totally intrigued. I don’t know if this is the light that I have dreamed of or if it is the Star of Bethlehem as a few have suggested or if it is something normal and natural or something totally beyond what anyone has suspected, all I know for sure is that I am fascinated.

My only fear concerning Comet Holmes is the lack of media attention and how they may spin it when it is eventually mentioned. I have also noticed a sudden increased interest in space exploration from many countries and I wonder if Comet Holmes has anything to do with the renewed focus on the space above our heads. I also wonder why the space shuttle was launched recently, against advice not to and just happened to coincide with the brightening of the comet.

Look up and Keep Seeking

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Maine Is God's Country

I just spent 5 days in Maine. I had agonized over this trip for a myriad of reasons, my life changed dramatically when I lived in Maine, three short years felt like 40 spent in the desert. In hindsight, the signs were there to indicate the challenge Maine would present to me, the very day I began the move to Maine was also the same day my son had a near fatal car wreck.

During my first year in Maine, my son passed away, as an unseen pedestrian on a lonely South Carolina road and I nearly died due to a botched surgery, spending months in recovery. My next year in Maine I spent in a strange sense of discovery and experienced many mystical-like revelations. I couldn’t decide if those revelations were due to my nearly dying, the loss of my son, Steven or the magical and magnetic quality of the earth in that part of the world. The third year was a hard year of standing up for myself, fighting for a way to hang on and ended in exhaustion and escape from Maine.

Journeying up the east coast to face memories of the all the pain and struggle was daunting, but as my Momma always suggests, I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and pushed myself forward. The weather couldn’t have been nicer, the flowers were still blooming, the grass was green and the trees were just making their dramatic change. Upon arrival we discovered that we had been double booked at our cabin on Old Orchard Beach, but the owner’s sister opened up her bed and breakfast to Chris and I and as it was off-season, we had the place to ourselves. The beach was a block away and the evenings were warm enough to spend next to the water with just a jacket.

Although we were there for serious matters, confronting the surgeon, the experts and attending an all day medical malpractice hearing, we did have some time to see old friends and eat some seafood. And I also had time to deal with some of my personal demons. When I left Maine over two years ago I was quite angry, it felt like when I stepped into the state, I also stepped into my own personal hell and when I left, I left with hard feelings.

What has dawned on me is that although I hated Maine, Maine is the place that I strengthened my commitment to God and my understanding of the path of Jesus. I think that to understand Christ we have to walk the path of Christ, the good and the bad, the highs and the lows and sometimes we must surrender to God’s will, be it what we choose or simply what is.

I also realized on this trip that we cannot give God ultimatums, we can’t say if you don’t do what I want, then I will no longer believe, we have to trust that what God allows in our lives is only to make us stronger and we must accept the decisions with grace. Surrender is often painted as a bad thing in our society, but many times, upon facing a personal challenge, it is the only thing that brings peace.

I have yet to hear the outcome of my hearing, I do not know what the panel has decided, but I do know that even if I have to accept that what was done to me is okay in the eyes of the law, I trust that I am on the right path. I know that I am blessed, as I have always been blessed and my trust in the righteousness and goodness of God will not be swayed. Although I was raised in the Bible Belt and the South is said to be God’s country, I have met some of the gentlest and sweetest spirits I have ever known in Maine. And in Maine I truly understood what the suffering of Jesus meant to the world and to me, personally.

So as I sit here, tired, but no longer scared and anxious I would like to say hello and thank you to a few folks that showed me that sometimes you can go home again … Patrick, Matt, Gayle, Lincoln, Lee, Mike, Steve and The Red Sox.

Love and Light Folks and always remember that Life Is Good

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Exposing Fear

As a kid I spent a lot of time pretending I was invisible and some time wondering if I really was, yes, I was an odd child. And still to this day I feel comfort in remaining unseen, but instinct tells me it’s time to get rid of childhood meanderings and be seen. It is an arduous task for me to break habits that have carried me for 40 years and I struggle with the exposure. It’s almost like an out of the body experience to put myself on stage and drum, to know that many thousands have read my words and that pictures and videos of me live on the Internet. Sometimes, because my protective anonymity has been removed, fear strikes deep in my gut and I wonder what I have done.

I don’t know the reason it is easier for me to hide, except as I child I learned it is best to be small, quiet and invisible and there is comfort in old, familiar behaviors. I saw a lot of disapproval in the eyes of adults when I was young, with the exception of a few relatives and a handful of teachers, I always knew I didn’t measure up, there was something about me that people did not like. Was it because I was chubby and wore a squeaky brace on my leg? Perhaps I was disconnected and slow. Or maybe I was too quiet or too loud. I never knew the reason, but it only added to the knowledge that invisibility equaled safety.

For a couple weeks I have been attempting to write an article or a personal revelation to share with the world, why I feel I need to do so is one of the things I am attempting to figure out. I have revealed myself more in this last year than in any other time of my life and perhaps it is all just about taking a stand and finding my worth.

In a matter of days I will face a woman who caused me great harm and coming from the suck-it-up style of upbringing, even making that statement is hard for me, but the truth is, I was caused great harm. I will face this woman with an attorney at my side and a board will decide if I have the right to sue her. The woman is a doctor and the harm she caused was unneeded surgery, coupled with a mistake that lead to my spending weeks in the hospital, a couple months with an ileostomy bag, open wounds that would nauseate any horror movie fan and months of recovery. I was left missing 4 inches of healthy colon, vicious scars, wrecked stomach muscles, a lot of bills and physical issues that cannot be discussed in polite company.

As I try to define how I feel about this situation, my mind hesitates to go back. Reliving the days and weeks of trauma, fevers and unbearable weakness is no fun place to reside, not even for a minute, but the time has come that I must face what happened to me. It is nearly beyond my ability to explain how it felt to glue an ostomy bag to my stomach, to see that piece of intestine poking through my skin and even harder to explain the horror of seeing the 6 or 7-inch open wound left in my abdomen. And I struggle to relay the helplessness and fear of being so broken and sick and the shame and loss of control I felt wearing a bag to collect my feces.

Perhaps I am just beginning to understand that I am angry and felt abused by this doctor. I am supposed to understand that for this doctor it was not personal and for the most part I do, but for me, how can it be anything but personal as I live with the scars and the aftermath. In her world I am just a nameless, faceless patient, one of many and easy to forget, but my life has changed dramatically and I have daily reminders of our interaction.

It is also difficult for me to express my feelings of loss because I strive to find the good in all things, I look for the lesson and the reason and I try to grow through what I have learned. And as this world is dual, my lessons are double-edged swords. Life has changed and I am a different person from who I used to know and I see both positives and negatives in the updated version. I have a new suspicion and fear of doctors, their treatments and their pills and this has already created some challenges. My body has changed, my drive and my goals have changed and my limited amount of self-confidence has been altered.

And it is perplexing to attempt to understand and explain how this traumatic event has lead me to put myself out there like never before, when I was comfortable with my body, I was hidden and now scarred and wounded, I am exposed. Despite my fear of being seen and unmasked, a well-honed survival instinct has guided me to step on stage with my husband and to begin a writing career. And it is this same instinct that tells me I must reveal my story without shame.

I was injured and nearly killed when I trusted doctors who wanted to handle my case “aggressively” and I believed that their decisions were being made in my best interests. If I am guilty of anything it is trusting the “experts” and desperately wanting to feel better.

And now, I am dampening my natural tendency to crawl into my hovel and lick my wounds and I see that I must stand and state that I have been injured and I am worthy of compensation for those losses. I must hold my head up and declare that I am valuable, not just a guinea pig to be used for the sake of some intern’s education and then thrown away. The scars, both visible and invisible, do matter and my experience, and the near loss of my life, is important.

Next week, I will get in my car and drive to a state that offers both good and bad memories to face a woman who is only a sharp reminder of pain, loss and helplessness. I will find the strength that is my birthright, I will know that I am not invisible or unimportant and I will stand Victoriously.

Thanks for listening and Keep Seeking.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Signs Of Our Times?

I’ve read a few headlines of late that have startled me and I fully understand the idea that ignorance can be bliss. If we study the world regularly, perhaps we become hardened or frightened, but to believe we are left untouched by the exploration would not be truth. I ponder the state of the world often, the dualities of what is said versus what is done leave me both amazed and disturbed.

It has been said that what we see around us is simply an illusion, it has also been said that we are not to fear, but the headlines paint dark and insidious pictures. Some believe what we see around us is the product of our own creation and others believe that the world around us is an insane asylum and the goal is to survive it while maintaining our connection to the great truth. I don’t have any answers and I can see some merit in most theories of our existence, but when I look around the world I tend to agree we are living among the dead and the insane.

Friday afternoon at a Phoenix airport Carol Anne Gotbaum, 45, was arrested when she became irate after gate crews refused to allow her to board her flight. She was handcuffed behind her back and put in a holding cell. Later, she was found dead and police claimed she choked herself to death while trying to escape the handcuffs.
My Way News

My first thought when reading this article was, how does a woman, handcuffed from behind, manage to strangle herself? My second thought was simply amazement that this story was being reported as though it made sense. Ms. Gotbaum was a mother of three and a “wonderful, wonderful woman” according to her mother in law, Public Advocate Betsy Gotbaum. No one seems to be able to explain why Ms. Gotbaum was left alone in a holding cell while still handcuffed. NY Daily News

In Palmdale, California, last week, the wrist of a young girl was broken by a security guard at a high school after she dropped a piece of cake on the floor of the cafeteria. Pleajhia Mervin, 16, claims when she dropped the piece of cake, the guard instructed her to pick it up and she did, but not to the satisfaction of the guard, who then grabbed her arm hard enough to break her wrist and threw her on a lunchroom table. A student who captured the event on video was also arrested, as was the mother of Pleajhia Mervin when she went to the school to complain. Ms. Mervin has been expelled from school, accused of battering a security guard and ticketed for littering. ABC 7

Since when did dropping a piece of cake on the floor of a lunchroom become a threat to the safety of a school, such a threat, that a 16 year old is arrested for battery and littering? Isn’t cleaning the spills of children one of the reasons schools hire janitorial staffs? Students and parents held a protest on Friday and Ms. Mervin’s mother has contacted an attorney.

And in Sullivan County, NY, 14-year-old Samantha Martin was called from class by a security guard because she was carrying a purse. Evidentially, girls in Tri-Valley High School can only carry purses to class if they are having their periods and so security guard Mike Bunce pulled Ms. Martin from class to question her about her monthly cycle. FOX News

It seems Ms. Martin is not the only girl to be questioned at the high school about her period and several girls were called to discuss the matter with school officials. And I was pleased to see that students, upset by the treatment, have found a creative way to protest by wearing tampons and sanitary napkins adhered to their clothing, while others made purses out of tampon boxes. As I read this story I wondered what thought process convinced the officials at this school that sending adult males in authority roles to question little girls about their very personal bodily functions is a good and wise idea.

So there you have it, more insanity in our world. Is this world around us an illusion? Have we created this insanity through our thoughts and actions? Are we fully entrenched in an asylum, the bars made invisible by our refusal to see them? And do we view the above news snippets as normal and rational behavior, just a fact of life these days?

As Always, Keep Seeking