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Victoria S. Hardy

Thursday, December 10, 2015
Being a Girl
Being a Girl
I’m just a girl, a single human being with girl parts. I have that weeping thing between my legs,
and a mind that thinks too much. I have
so much love in my heart for every critter and every person who finds
themselves in hard times. Sometimes I
give too much, and sometimes too little.
Life, it befuddles me, but here I am, still a girl and still
a turtle. I have a shell of multi
colors because I have touched so many people in my life, and they have touched
me. I can’t express what happens when
you hold the hand of someone so different than you and you listen to their
pains and angst. You grow and share,
and maybe you lose something, and maybe they gain, but both are better for the
experience.
Here I am – 50 years in this body, this marred, scarred, and
tattooed body. But it is my body and it
still works mostly. I can still
breathe, and I still love, and I still cry for others. I still try without the judgments I see
thrown out to us like wind - like happenstance - hate this, accept this.
Sometimes I want to squirrel about and ignore all the things
calling me. I’ve done the hard
work. I’ve literally done the hard
work.
Girls, we are a blessing to the earth and the world. We do the hard work, not just turning over
the dirt, or planting the seeds, or holding the hands of those who are
dying. We create the next generation,
we yell, and cry, and show emotion, and the world is only better for having
us.
Girls, we are a blessing to man, we love, we embrace, and we
understand things that may be a challenge.
We laugh, we dance, we sing, and we console. We wash, cook, clean, and iron.
We love, sometimes when no one else will.
Seems we are the soft, safe, and secure place the world
keeps saying doesn’t exist.
Keep seeking as always.
Monday, September 21, 2015
Cotton Shirts and Good Folks
Cotton Shirts and Good Folks
I often lament that my only child was taken too soon. I wanted to be that eclectic Granny that
brought the sunshine when she visited.
And as much as I lament about those things, and want to shut away the
goodness my own world holds as I envision the goodness of a life that no longer
exists – I have to say God has given me the goodness.
I don’t have my name written on children, I am not their
grandmother, but I am Victoria, and there is goodness in that. This weekend of running crazily to the gigs
of my husband and to gigs of others we’ve been wanting to see, I understand
that even though I will never have grandkids, and my son is long gone – I’m
still here and I know awesome people.
People so amazing that I wonder why I am so blessed to know them. These people are like me in a way, taking
their pains and loss and making something better of the whole life
experience.
Last night, after 3 days of running crazily, and then
settling into the water of the lake, I wanted to write a blog about the
awesomeness of a good white cotton shirt – seems ridiculous today, but maybe I
am missing something.
A good shirt fits, and sometimes, if we choose wisely - they
last decades. Good material,
exceptional sewing, and solid buttons will give you years of comfort knowing if
nothing else, that shirt rocks.
Yesterday, downtown I was wearing a 12-year-old cotton shirt and had so
many compliments on it. I had rushed
all day, waking too early than my body wanted, and seeing people I loved in a
beautiful park, and then running down to catch a band at the festival full of
people I admire and respect.
I think the cotton shirt, and those awesome people are one
in the same. Firstly, they never let
you down. Secondly, they are tough and
survivors, be it a washer and dryer, or life yanking at them. And thirdly, they are the trustful go to’s
when nothing else feels right; you know they are there and you know they will
just be who they are, and you trust their fortitude, good lines, and strong
thread.
Thanking all the good folks and solid cotton shirts and
feeling blessed that my world suddenly seems so full when I was sure it could
never be right again.
As always, keep seeking.
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Thursday, September 17, 2015
Digging In The Matter
Digging In The Matter
“Art mends broken hearts, pulls people up for air, and
soothes the worst pains mankind can deliver.”
– Victoria S. Hardy
A friend asked for a favorite quote from an artist, and
since I felt rushed, or at least didn’t want to surf websites for one - I wrote
my own. It got me to thinking, though,
and I suppose that is what art is about, saving us from or delivering us to our
demons.
Words are so hard, and relating to the world is
difficult. Pain and loss and vision and
dreams and experiences are real. Yet,
we live in a world that defines the parameters, and there is too much media
defining us. We forget that our
differences are what make us great.
Today my husband said to me that we shared the same curse of
not seeing ourselves as good as we are in our personal callings. That is true. We do what we do without the confidence given to others. We struggle under the world’s rules of not feeling
good enough, tall enough, thin enough, smart enough, educated enough, and
forget regularly the call that has us writing or singing or painting or
playing.
For whatever the reason, Chris and I grew up under burdens
and they may seem simple and lackadaisical in today’s world, but broken
families and dead siblings make a mark on any child. I suppose it ingrained in us a knowledge of how quickly life
could change and also a sad recognition of how people accepted the
changes.
God given talent, or tragedy, or heartbreak, or stunning
realizations at any age opens the door, and there you are - an artist. Some of us throw it out there, others keep
it safe and close - the art, the healing, and the dealing with a society we
haven’t understood, or no longer understand.
Some slam the door and lock it, dealing with themselves and their things
in a different matter.
The world tends to define talent, and mostly it seems to
change year to year – they have their talent shows and lift some folks up,
while ignoring so many. We accept the
judge’s decisions just as we accept so many things - as we are only allowed to
see so many things. But I am beginning
to grasp that the world is much vaster than the media would like us to
believe.
I know great artists, and I feel so blessed to have spent
time in their presence, and what I know from the great ones is that they are a
little nervous, worried that they aren’t good enough, and concerned how the
world views them. Great artists are
odd, lovely, but odd; they may seem anti-social at times, or disconnected, but
they are digging in the matter and figuring how to relay it.
Art is a way to show pain, or to rise above it. Art lifts us with color, or ink, or words,
or drums, or strings, or brass, or cloth - something to sink our heads, hands,
or bodies inside for a bit while transmitting messages that we don’t fully
understand. Art is the poor man’s way
to richness, if only for a moment. Not
the richness of the media, not the richness of history, but the richness of
knowing we made a difference, somehow, and someway.
Art is life. Art is
history. Art is color. Art is the word. Art is the sound. Art is
all the things that remind us of hope and our early beginnings. Art can be lonely. Art can be too busy. Art
challenges us to find that simple voice in us, which always encourages us. Art makes us dig through the matter to find
the jewel that rests inside of each of us.
Much thanks to Laura Neff for asking the question and as
always keep seeking.
And below is a video of Chris Hardy's song "Digging In The Matter" with my shaky camera work as I figure out video vs. film.
https://youtu.be/PFZmWJmHfws
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Tuesday, September 08, 2015
Dafuq?
Dafuq?
Okay, I suppose I am a bit fed up with both sides of the
agenda. Sometimes the worst place is
being in my brain.
I am a Christian – I love all folks, I don’t care if they
are gay or transitioning or straight as a board, black or multi-colored or
illustrated or speaking a language I can’t understand. If they are nice to me, then I am nice to
them and deem them worthy of my time and attention and help and good feelings
and love.
We, as nation, have become a mess, but I know at my core we
haven’t become a mess on our own; we have become the disrupted angry mess from
the forces over us that display one story day after day, without telling the
others. We listen, of course, because
we want to be informed and we trust the leaders to lead us to truth, but guess
what? … they only lead us to more confusion, disruption, and hate.
And truthfully, it makes my soul ache.
The story of the county clerk who refused to issue a
marriage license to a gay couple is all over the news. But guess what? The gay couple was not from the county in which she served and
brought media along, and pastors are condemning her on her past, evidently not
understanding what John the Baptist made clear, and all that stuff about being
born again – dafuq??
I literally made my husband write the word dafuq down for me
because I could never remember how to spell it (because it’s not a real word), but it’s a softer curse word than I want to say.
Sometimes I’m so disgusted by humanity I wonder why God
makes me linger here. I trust God, and
I know God accepts us all, be we tatted, gay, unsure of our gender, or wear
mixed cloth, or all the myriad of sins we could use to judge another (eat any
seafood recently?). God sees the good
in us, and God knows our intentions, and whether or not they are good or
bad.
I have surmised for a long time that most true Christians
don’t even know they are Christian.
They aren’t so much the churchgoers piling money in the bucket, but they
are the ones helping people in the way they have. They are the ones giving a few bucks to the homeless folk,
sending out blankets and water in the time of need. They are the ones lifting up others and not condemning folks.
What I have seen this week, months, and years has broken my
heart. I don’t understand the world,
and I literally know it’s a miracle I am still here and alive. I’m not always happy about the fact that I
am still here and alive.
In my journey, I have met the greatest people, people that
literally sacrifice parts of themselves to make others better – most of those
folks don’t identify as Christian. I
have also met Christians who are wonderful, and luckily I am related to many
of them. I have also known people who
struggle so hard and give so much and are so scared by the Christian identity that
they could never own it.
I think much of the dichotomy and confusion comes down to
media. I won’t name names here, but
there are so many folks in my world who have truly touched my heart, helped me,
and lifted me in the darkest times who are not self-professed Christians. And I’m pretty sure the Bible makes clear
that there will be wolves in sheep’s clothing, especially in the age we are
approaching, or are perhaps wrapped inside of these days.
Right now I see good folks on both sides struggling to
define the boundaries and arguing with each other - and it hurts me. Good folk are simply good folk, and it
doesn’t come from a skin color, a sexual preference, or a religion. God, whichever one you believe, or don’t,
will figure it out.
I, for myself, absolutely know that energy doesn’t end and
simply transforms, and I can’t wait to see who I meet on the other side. I have my ideas, because some people are too
awesome for words, and I have been blessed to know so many!
It’s such a struggle right now, but I know it’s not a
struggle of our own making; the media – ever keeping us divided – is doing the
thing.
In one day, when I have to snark at a Christian friend and
an atheist friend over the same subject, I know it’s not us.
Truth be told we love each other and only learn we don’t
when we consume too much media.
Please be smart folks, you are literally all we have.
As always, keep seeking.
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Thursday, September 03, 2015
On Selling Books
On Selling Books
I heard a depressing snippet today about being an
independent artist. It seems the market
is so saturated that the quality of the product takes a backseat to the
back-story of the artist. As though
it’s not enough to show your soul in artistry and metaphors anymore, but the
artist is now the product and not the art.
I find that depressing for many reasons, the first being
that I am a writer and I give a ton of information under the guise of fiction;
the second reason is if I wanted to be on stage I wouldn’t have quit drumming,
and not to mention I have terrible stage fright. But as now it’s the back-story
and likeability of the artist that gets folks to hit the buy button - I’m screwed…
Some folks find me adorable, while others don’t – despite my
story and my struggles. I am one of
those people who others like or hate out of the gate and I never understand the
decisions - sometimes because I am too outspoken, other times because I didn’t
speak enough. Sometimes I am callous,
and other times overly empathetic.
Sometimes I am aesthetically pleasing, and other times I am not – my
weight and looks change with the seasons and they are seasons I have little
control over.
My talents are writing, caring for animals, cooking, and
sometimes painting, photography, sewing, or healing sick things. In the world, I’m not much of anything. In
my youth, I could turn every head when I walked in a room, but I also could be
ignored just as easily. I find the
world, and most people in it, confusing.
Hell, a lot of times I besquirrel myself.
So not only does the world want the novels, which takes a
lot from me to write, they also want my story, my trials, my pains, my angst,
and my losses to make them buy a product from me, and it makes me wonder if
they also want my blood. Yes, I know
this sounds cynical, but I am cynical, while still having faith and hope.
Back in the day, while Chris and I were in a band together –
3 Feet Up – a national TV show
contacted us and wanted the story of us, but it felt wrong. Yes, the band was a reaction to losing my
only child and then spending months in bed from a surgical procedure gone awry,
but it felt wrong then to use that pain and loss for success, just as it feels
wrong now.
I survived all the things, evidently, because here I sit
writing this lament. And it disturbs me that the stories of my survival are
more interesting than the novels, but actually, most astute people would see I
put snippets of my survival in each novel or novella or short story.
Do people really want the dirty, heartbreaking details? Do they need my confession to decide whether
or not to spend 2-20 dollars on a book?
Do they want to hear the thoughts in my head as I stood over my son’s
coffin? Or exactly what I felt when I
watched a huge open wound grow closed?
Or how I puked on my shoes while raking a yard after a concussion? Or the trauma of being beaten by a
lover? Or being drugged and raped?
Truthfully, all those experiences are in the books, but not so close to me that
I have to relive the trauma day after day for the enjoyment of the
spectator.
I know we live in the Reality TV World, and I wish for
softer times. Yes, I have struggled,
and I have lost, but it has always felt wrong to use the loss for anything
except tears, remorse, and trying to do better, and be better. I could not parade my dead kid around and
feel good about success.
I could have filled this blog with a hundred pictures of my
son who passed too soon – I could have pulled every heartstring with his
struggles, hospital visits, surgeries, and trauma. I could have posted his last messages, notes, and words, but
those are mine …
I hate the world. I
have been chastised so many times for saying it, but it’s true. I survive because it’s not my time yet. I
endure because I have to. And I laugh a lot. I write books and short stories
because something in me says I must write. I have accepted I will never be a
King, Steinbeck, or Hemingway, and I do that with a sigh, because it’s all I’ve
wanted since I was a child. But if getting
there means I have to carry my dead on a pike, I’ll just give it up that dream
and choose poverty.
I’ll still write though, I have no choice over that. The stories will come and flow through me,
and I’ll write them down, but my struggles are my own and if I survive them,
the folks who read will get the hints along the way without the 3D multiplex
experience.
As always keep seeking and keep believing.
Although I hesitated putting this video out years ago because I didn't like the way I looked, the message is a good one.
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Tuesday, September 01, 2015
Tamara's Painting
Tamara's Painting
Tamara stared out the window watching her neighbors. She chastised herself and wondered when she
became the nosey neighbor everyone despised.
She didn’t seem to be able to control herself - her neighbors were
interesting.
In her years, she’d lived in apartments stacked up four
floors high; she’d lived in trailer parks where she barely had enough room to
park her car without hitting her neighbor’s house; she lived in the suburbs
where the other houses were so close that she could stick her arm out the window
and touch the next house, but she’d never been as intrigued about the doings of
others as she had been in the last months.
Her new neighbors, a hundred yards out of her kitchen
window, were so fascinating that she’d bought a pair of binoculars, which she
kept by the sink, just to watch their comings and goings. She assumed it was some type of halfway
house, as the faces she saw across the road seemed to change daily.
“Are you spying on the neighbors again,” her husband asked
as he stepped into the kitchen and pulled a beer from the fridge.
“Yes,” she answered, feeling heat fill her cheeks. “I can’t seem to stop myself.”
Tony leaned against the sink beside her as he peered through
the glass. “It’s probably a halfway
house, or some kind of shelter,” he said, as he watched a lady usher two small
children into the huge home.
“It probably is,” she said, setting the field glasses back
down on the counter. “But the other
neighbors haven’t mentioned it, just said the family had lived there forever,
and that they weren’t very friendly.”
“We’re rural now, Tamara, people like their privacy out
here, and so what if it’s a shelter or halfway house - as long as they tend to
their business, we’ll tend to ours.” He
popped the top of the beer and took a long swig. “I’m almost done with the presentation, want to see my
slideshow?”
“Sure,” she said, slowly turning from the window. She stepped into his messy office and
watched the presentation that would hopefully open the market for a new shoe
company. “That’s really great,
Tony!” She kissed him.
He pulled away.
“How’s the painting coming along?”
“Slowly,” she sighed.
“They’ve paid, Tamara, you should really get it done.”
She sighed. “I know,
but it’s so dark and I can’t work on it for long before …” she trailed off.
“Before you have to watch the neighbors,” he concluded. “I haven’t wanted to say anything, but it’s
becoming an obsession.”
“It’s not an obsession! And the painting is dark and
depressing, and I have to send pictures each time I do anything and listen to
this asshole drone on and on about what it’s supposed to look like – I’m not
sure it’s worth the money. The damned
painting is giving me nightmares.”
He sighed. “It’s
good money, Tamara, and you’re an artist, painting is what you do for a
living.”
“Yeah, I know,” she snapped, walking back to the kitchen and
grabbing her own beer, “but the dude is
sick. Yes, I paint, but I’ve never had
to paint anything like that and I don’t like it. I wish we could give the money back.”
“How are we to do that?”
He stood in the doorway, watching her pace as she sipped the can. “It was your idea to move out in the middle
of nowhere, it was your idea to have both of us work remotely, and although
that painting is only a few thousand bucks, we need that money!”
She held up her hand.
“I know, I know, and I don’t want to fight, but I’ve been painting a
murder scene for months now and I’m sick of it. He’s never pleased, the reds aren’t red enough, or they are too
red. The browns aren’t brown enough, or
they’re too brown. And the scene keeps
changing. I know the fucking money is
good, but I hate him. I hate the damn
images that will be in my head for the rest of my life and I’m not sure that
it’s worth the dollars, not to mention how he keeps changing things.” She saw another car pull into the dirt drive
across the street and ran to the window, picking up the binoculars.
Tony sighed and went back to his office.
Tamara lifted the lenses and watched a young woman step from
the passenger side of the car. She
adjusted the dials on the glasses and focused in on the woman’s face and the
tattoo exposed by the halter she wore.
The tattoo covered the woman’s upper arm, and was nice work by any
artists’ standards, and displayed a sea creature devouring a small boat. “Nice,” Tamara whispered, as she watched the
young woman step up the stairs and disappear in the old rambling house.
She set down the binoculars and stepped back into her
studio, staring at the huge painting with hatred. She had followed the drawings sent in the mail, and the
directions of the man on the phone or email as well as she could, but it was
the strangest contract she’d ever had in her years as a professional
artist. Most of her assignments were
painting from pictures, often children with dogs or cats, sometimes - family
portraits done in oil, and occasionally photos of the recently deceased, but
this was the first time someone wanted a murder scene on a 4X6 canvas.
The canvas was taller than she was and she had to use a
stepstool to reach the top, while also having to sit on the floor to reach the
bottom. And it seemed the scene changed
week to week, sometimes the victims were light skinned and light haired, other
times they were darker skinned with different hair. Sometimes the scene was in
a hall; other times a kitchen, but most times in a library. Each time she made the change and sent the
photographs several hundred dollars appeared in their account, but after months
it was draining.
She stepped over to her computer in the corner and saw she’d
received a new message from the buyer.
She sighed and wondered if she should click the message or just throw
the computer, and her career, out the window and be done with it. Money, she thought, we need money, and had
to coerce her fingers into clicking the message as she slowly sank in the
chair.
“Ms. Tamara, I promise this will be the last change and I
have already forwarded five hundred dollars into your account. The victim is blond, long hair, and has a
tattoo on her left arm of a sea creature about to eat a small wooden boat. She is wearing a halter. The rest of the room is the same. Thanks so much.”
“Holy shit!” She back kicked sending the chair across the
hardwood, the wheels underneath her seeming to gain momentum until she crashed
into the wall. She fell out of the
chair and hit the floor. “The girl,”
she began and shook her head hard. “No
freaking way,” she said, standing slowly and moving the chair back to the
computer. She reread the last message
and then sat back in the chair, re-reading all the messages from the unnamed
buyer.
Suddenly, she saw her world in snippets of pictures through
the lens of the binoculars and paintings.
“No,” she whispered, reading his first message, and then seeing the
people stepping on the porch next door through her field glasses. She clicked on his next message, remembering
the paint on the canvas and the people stepping into the house across the way. “No!” she said, clicking on the next message
and again remembering changing the colors and tones on the canvas.
“What do you want!” she responded to his message and hit the
send button, her hands shaking. She
slid across the floor on the chair, slamming into an old paint stained bureau
and opening a drawer. She pulled free a
pack of cigarettes, and lighted one as she stared at the computer screen,
waiting for a response. “No, no, no,
no,” she muttered under her breath, as she expelled a long stream of
smoke. “No!”
The computer chimed alerting her to a new notification.
“No,” she muttered, taking a deep draw from the
tobacco. She exhaled, and moving her
feet slowly she propelled herself in the chair back to the computer. She took another drag, her hand shaking so
much that she had to use the other to stabilize it, and then clicked the button
to open the mail.
“You could save her, you could have saved all of them. Time is growing short.”
“What?” she whispered, trying to lift the cigarette to her
mouth but dropping it in her lap. She
jumped up, slapping the fire burning into her leg just below the line of her
shorts and the computer chimed again.
She reached down, clicking the button for new mail as she
ground out the butt into the hardwood. “Less than ten minutes, and you know the
house, you’ve been painting it for months.”
“What the fuck?” She stared at the screen.
The computer chimed again, and she slowly reached over and
opened the new mail. “Less than eight
minutes, Tamara.”
She ran. She
snatched open the bedside drawer and removed the pistol, quickly checking to
ensure it was loaded.
“What are you doing?” Tony stepped out of his office.
“I’m saving the girl!” she declared and ran to the door,
throwing it open. She raced across the
yard, while wishing for better shoes, and crossed the dirt road.
She bounded onto the porch where she had seen so many
disappear and wondered who she had become, and what kind of virus the buyer had
infected in her with his constant changes.
She briefly considered that she may go to prison as she kicked the door
open and again wished for better shoes as she felt the force travel up her leg
and settle in her hip.
Tamara limped into the house, the gun raised. “Where is the girl?” she demanded, knowing
the paths as she had painted them in the last weeks and months.
She entered the library of the old house and saw the
girl. The tattoo on her shoulder was
exposed, the skin underneath white, as the girl’s hands were bound behind her
back. “Where are they?” Tamara squatted
beside the girl, tugging at the rope.
The girl shrugged. “I don’t know,” she whispered, tears
cutting white streaks in her make-up.
Tamara looked around the room. She knew the room; she had painted it over and again in the last
months. “Drawer,” she muttered, and
stood up. She went to the desk and slid
open the drawer. Inside, she found a
knife. She pushed the pistol in her
pocket of her shorts and grabbed the blade.
Tamara ran back to the girl, cutting the ties that bound her
and urging her to run. “Go, go now!”
“Who are you?” the girl asked, rubbing her wrists.
“Tamara, your artist.
Run!”
The girl ran, and as Tamara heard the front door slam she
looked around the room, comparing reality to the paintings she had done over
and again. “Where are the others?” she asked
softly as she went room to room.
“Tamara! Fuck! Tamara!
What are you doing in there?” she heard Tony yell from the front
door.
“Did you get the girl?” she called back.
“Yeah, I sent her to our house and called the police!”
Tamara cleared one room after another as she had seen actors
on TV do with her gun out in front of her, the safety off, and then stared at
the stairs while she felt her hip throb.
She limped to the front door and fell in Tony’s arms as the police cars
began filling the street.
*
“Her hip is broken,” Tamara heard, as she stared up into too
bright lights, "we need to put in
pins.”
“Twenty-six bodies under the house, most were kids or young
women,” she heard, waking from heavy sedation after surgery, “but there may be
more underneath, we’re still digging.
She saved the one, and we found a couple kids upstairs, and we are grateful to have busted the bastards.” She glanced up to see a couple police
officers talking to Tony, and then fell back into sleep.
*
“You’re home, how does it feel,” Tony hovered behind her as
she maneuvered the crutches.
“Weird,” she clunked into the kitchen and saw the binoculars
on the counter. She stepped to the
sink, stared out the window, and saw the police tape surrounding the house
across the road.
She shook her head slowly.
“I need to go to my studio.”
“Baby, you need to rest.”
Tony’s brow furrowed.
“I will, but I need to go to my studio.” She turned from the window.
“I don’t think I told you I got the shoe account,” he said
following her, his hands outstretched and open to catching her if she fell.
“That’s great!” she smiled as she clunked down the
hall. “Congratulations!”
“That’s what we needed and you don’t have to worry about
crazy people wanting portraits of murder anymore, tell that guy to fuck off.”
Tamara stood at the closed door, trying to figure how to
open it and still maintain her balance on the crutches.
Tony reached around and turned the knob, opening the
door. “Do you need me? I know it’s your place and you don’t like
folks in there and I have to answer a couple emails.”
“No, I’m good,” she promised.
“I’ll be back in five, and then you need to get in bed,” he
kissed her on the cheek.
“Five,” she said, watching him head back to his own office
before she stepped into the studio.
She struggled under the crutches to the huge canvas and
pulled the sheet away to see an empty canvas.
No color, no paint, no murder scene – a completely white unused giant
space. “What the f…?” she
muttered. “What the ever living hell?”
She stared at the white remembering layers and layers of paint, and changes and
changes. She shook her head and heard
the chime from the computer. She closed
her eyes. “What now?”
She worked her way to the desk, reaching down to click the
message and hoping she wouldn’t lose a crutch.
The message unfolded and she caught her breath.
“Good job, Tamara.
Five thousand in your checking account.
Your husband is about to announce you have to move again, and you should
accept. You have another painting to
paint.”
She caught her breath, dropped the crutches, and managed to
fall in the wheeled office chair. She
dropped her head down to her knees, gasping at the pain from her ribs and
hips. “What the …” she had no
words.
Tony burst into the room.
“Honey, I just got the best job offer ever! On the east coast, we’ll be set for life! Honey … Tamara … baby…” He dropped to his knees beside her
chair. “Are you okay?”
Tamara lifted her head from her knees and smiled, as the
tears flowed down her cheeks. “I’m
ready.”
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Thursday, August 20, 2015
Joy's Dream
Joy's Dream
a short story
a short story
Joy screamed.
“What is it this time?”
Michael sat up in the bed, punching the pillows under his head, and
pulling her into his arms. “The mall?
The duck pond? The corner?”
“No,” she wiped the sweat from her brow, tears from her
cheeks, and pushed her hair back allowing him to embrace her, “a place I don’t
know.”
“Same dream?” he pulled her close, smoothing her hair out of
the growth on his face.
She nodded.
“Pow! Right in the back of the
head.”
“Joy, it’s just a dream,” he soothed, his eyes drooping
because he had another ten-hour day ahead of him.
“Just a dream,” she nodded, “the fifth time in five
days. But it’s just a dream,” her voice
grew rough and demanding.
“What do you want me to do?” he sat up straighter, loosening
his hold on her. “What am I supposed to
do about it? I have to work tomorrow,
ten hour shifts, remember?”
“Yeah, I know.” She
slid out of his arms and across the bed, making herself as small as she could,
and gripped her pillow to her chest.
“It’s just a dream.”
“It’s just a dream, Joy,” he muttered, falling back into
sleep.
“Just a dream,” she repeated softly, her eyes refusing to
stay open.
*
“Someone is looking for Phillip K. Dick – do you know that
person or are they just fucking with me?”
Joy lifted her head and her mind from the dream she’d been
experiencing for a week. “You don’t
know Phillip K. Dick? Why did they give
you a job in a book store?”
“Cuz I’m cute?” Emily said, her eyes wide and glanced down
at the expanse of thigh highlighted in the carefully frayed skirt.
“Who is looking for Dick?”
Joy pulled herself up from the floor where’d she been unloading Dungeons
and Dragons game pieces and books.
Emily pointed, and Joy saw the man standing beside the
counter. He was tall, wearing a hat, and
embraced by a long leather coat. “Do
you think you could put these on the shelves?” she asked.
Emily looked down at the box, and then at the hose covering
her legs and giving a hint of color. “I
don’t want to tear my Leggs – they cost like three bucks.”
“Well, squat or kneel or whatever you have to do, the stock
needs to be put out!” Joy said.
Emily sighed, and reached down in the box, shaking her head.
Joy wiped the knees of her pants and went to meet the
customer. “Hi,” she smiled. “Yes, we have Phillip K. Dick in
fiction. The boss wanted to put him in
science fiction, but I insisted that he wasn’t fabricating anything,” she
chuckled, and glanced back over her shoulder.
The man, under his hat, smiled.
Joy glanced up at the lights over their heads, wondering if
they weren’t strong enough to light his features, or if it was just the hat on
his head that left his face in darkness.
She led him to the D’s in the fiction area. “Here is all we have of Phillip K. Dick, we also have a cross reference
with titles in case what you were looking for was misplaced.” She smiled up at a face she couldn’t see
clearly.
“It’s not a dream,” he said softly.
“Excuse me,” she managed as her knees and bowels grew weak.
“It’s not a dream,” he repeated.
“I’m sorry …” she began, but her knees gave out and she
found herself on the floor, in the opposite direction, and staring at Belva
Plain novels.
“Joy! Joy! What the hell? Where have you been?
There is a line and we need help!
Are you napping? I’m going to
tell Robert.” Emily stood over her
shaking her head, the knees of her hose covered legs unmarred.
“What time is it?”
Joy sat up.
“Damn near closing, where in the hell have you been?” Emily
put her hands on her waist.
Joy stood, using the bookshelf as balance, and straightening
the books as a cover as she tried to regain her senses. “I’ve been working, Emily.”
“Yeah, on the floor.
That makes sense.”
“Did you put the Dungeons and Dragons material on the
shelf?” she asked, gaining strength.
“I don’t understand that stuff, I told you that! What the crap is all that shit about?” Emily
took a step back.
“So you left the box on the floor?”
“Customers came in,” Emily defended.
“Well, maybe I’ll talk to Robert,” Joy said, finally finding
the strength from her feet, and facing the tall college student in the
carefully frayed skirt.
“Don’t do that,” Emily begged, soft tears beginning in the
corners of her eyes.
Joy smiled without heart or feeling. “How ‘bout we keep this to ourselves?”
Emily nodded. “We
still need help at the counter.”
“On my way,” Joy expelled, feeling heat soaring through her
body and leaving drops of sweat on her forehead. She took a deep breath,
expelled it and took another. The sweat
dried and she went to the counter, checking out the customers, taking their
money, and their custom orders for odd out of print books.
She sent Emily away, and her other co-workers, and pulled
the gate down that blocked their store from the rest of the mall and extracted
the tills. She hit the key that ran out
the printout for the days work, she turned out the lights and carried the tills
and printout to the back room to settle the day’s work.
She sat in the small room, figuring the numbers, filling out
the deposit slip, and sliding the money in a bag with the slip. She locked the small package in the safe,
checked the lights again, and let herself out into the catacombs behind the
stores. She followed the familiar path
to the door, and the parking lot outside, and pushed the door open.
“Gotcha,” a man said, his arm a band of steel across her
chest, the cold hollow point of a gun barrel on the back of her head.
“What do you want? I
have nothing, maybe 20 bucks in my purse, the bookstore money is in the safe, and
I don’t have the combination,” Joy reasoned.
“I got what I want.” He laughed and the gun fired.
*
Joy screamed.
“Again?” Michael sat
up in bed and didn’t even bother trying to sooth her. “It’s been months, Joy.
Months! How long are we going to
do this?”
She rolled over on her side of the bed, trying to make
herself smaller than was possible, and ran her hand over the back of her
head. “How much longer?” she repeated
softly, staring at the wall.
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Friday, August 07, 2015
Jeremy's New Game
Jeremy's New Game
a short story
Erica knocked on the door.
“You still in there?”
“Yeah, I’m here,” Jeremy answered softly.
“Is everything okay?”
“It’s good, I’m good.
I could use some food and something to drink.”
“Let me unload the groceries and I’ll cook you
something.” Erica turned back to the
bags on the counter, pulling free a bottle of juice. “I’m going to roll this to you, is that okay?”
“Yeah, I think that’s alright,” he responded, his voice
weak.
She pulled the keys off the hook outside the door, and
unlocked it. The chain above ensured it
wouldn’t open very far and she pushed the small plastic jug through the
opening. “Are you there?”
“Yeah, yes! Just
roll it in the direction of my voice,” he said, his voice growing louder as he
saw the bottle in her hand.
“Jeremy, can’t I see?”
She held the jug in her hand like an offering, not dropping and rolling
it.
“No! Absolutely
not! Just give me the freaking fluid,
Erica!” he barked, his voice gravely.
She wiped her tears away with one hand, while the hand
through the door dropped the bottle.
She heard it hit the floor and she heard the chains inside jingle and
then contract in a sharp metallic sound.
“Damn it!” Jeremy cried out.
“Let me help you,” Erica sobbed.
“No! You stay out
there, I may be able to reach it with my foot.”
She heard the chains vibrate as she imagined he was reaching
out his legs and trying to grab the bottle with his toes. “Jeremy!
This is not fair. Let me see!”
“No! Absolutely
not!”
She leaned against the door hoping that her weight would
break the chain on the inside and that if she leaned hard enough she’d simply
fall into the room and end the chaos.
“Push another one through,” he demanded, his voice growing
rougher. “And aim better this
time.”
“I only have two more,” she said, lifting her weight from
the door and going back to the counter to grab another bottle.
“So you’re just going to leave me in here to die?” he
demanded, his voice somewhere between a growl and the strange beeps of a
computer program.
“I’m trying to help, idiot, but you won’t let me see.” She pushed the bottle in her hand through
the door again.
“You wouldn’t understand,” his voice grew deeper and seemed
to come from the walls.
“What do I not understand?” she screamed and tossed the
bottle in the direction she knew he was chained.
She heard the plastic open as he broke the top, and then she
heard the fluid pour on the floor. “Why
are you wasting it?” she demanded.
“I’m not!” his voice fading away and suddenly appearing all
around her from the walls. “I’m not!” he insisted again.
Erica pulled herself from the door, and looked around the
room as the walls shifted and descended into 0s and 1s.
“I’m not!” Jeremy declared again, his voice everywhere in
the small house. “Nothing went to
waste,” he said as the walls turned blue and more numbers, dots and slashes
appeared in the white paint.
Erica screamed. She
used all her weight to push open the door, popping the chain, and falling into
the room. The chains he had used to
secure himself held nothing, and all she found in the place where her boyfriend
had attached himself to the furnace were his clothes, an empty juice bottle,
and a hand held video game he’d bought three days earlier.
“I’m here,” the walls echoed, suddenly blue. “I’m right here, Erica.”
She grabbed her head, squirreling up into the fetal position
for a couple seconds before she felt the numbers reaching into her mind. Somehow she found the energy to stand, and
she ran onto the street screaming,
“He’s in the walls! He’s in the
numbers!”
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Thursday, August 06, 2015
On Being A Writer
On Being A Writer
Being a book writer is a strange thing. I don’t plot and
plan or write outlines, for me it is puking – one long puke until the story is
done. It’s not what the world would call healthy, and trust me when I say it
takes as much as it gives. It is amazing when I see the finished product, but
going through the process feels like being jailed and tortured. I can’t sleep,
I can’t enjoy other things, and my mind is constantly on whether or not I used
the right word or the proper comma in any given sentence. I dream in Word and
write in my sleep.
When it is done and finished I feel wasted, often times
looking at the scales in horror and seeing the pounds I’ve gained as I sat in
front of the keyboard making all the things right.
In the last year, I’ve written and published two novels – it
wasn’t my plan or a considered decision, it was simply what happened. I am
pleased to say that I also planted plants, made some quilts, and kept most of
our little family (and garden) alive – RIP Dum Dum, my chicken.
I have admired writers since I could read, but I wonder if
they suffer as I have – I figure many did, and that leads me to believe I’m in
good company. So now that The Thing in Lucy Doyle is out in the world -
I’ll clean the house, get on the elliptical trainer, and try to get my body,
house, and mind back in shape, while almost fearing the next inspiration.
I am married to a musician who writes songs for himself, and
gets paid for writing songs for others, and he often comments that he writes
something that lasts a few minutes, while I enrapture the reader for hours. Thankfully,
he is an understanding man as I get caught on a wave that takes me off to far
places and I am lucky if I land on my feet.
The Thing In Lucy Doyle kicked my butt. It’s a good
book. I suppose many writers feel my angst, as we don’t know from where the
ideas come, from where those characters are hatched, or where the drama and
humor develops. Sometimes I feel as though things work through me, much in the
same way I have with plants and animals. I call that God, but I know what an
unpopular belief that is these days.
Some would call it talent, which I hesitate to, since most
of my English teachers clarified to me how dumb and inept I was - until I
reached my senior year and met Carol Holland (the new book is dedicated to
her). She taught a Speech and Drama (she also taught English and Journalism)
class that I took, just wanting to fill the electives and get the hell out of
schooling. She pointed out to me how the class would grow quiet when I stepped
to the podium to give my speech, preordained week by week by her parameters. She
would often ask what I was working on, and if she could read it. And she told
me many times how she couldn’t wait for an autographed book written by me. She
passed away a couple years after I left school, and many years before I finally
accepted I was supposed to write things.
So I guess I am a writer - I only know that because I have
written and sold things, and have gathered a few good reviews from people I
don’t know. I imagine writers are much like cave dwellers, rarely coming into
the attention of others – except for the words. I wish I could be Stephen King
with a huge gate outside, illustrated in wrought iron spiders; or Dean Koontz,
living on a mountain in California with his golden retrievers; or Hemingway on
an incredible piece of land in the Keys with too many cats to count; but I am
Vicki, living in the ghetto and throwing up novels as they hit me. Sometimes
they pay for themselves; sometimes they simply pay the light or water bill.
I will keep writing - although I figure I will never be able
to afford King’s gate, Koontz’s retrievers, or Hemingway’s cats. I will listen
to the thing that pours through me and needs a voice, I will lift up those
characters who jump in my mind at the worst times, and I will listen to them
speak as I type desperately trying to hear every word. I will hold my head high
as those who haven’t read my books tell me I am beneath them, simply because I
don’t have a college degree or they have no faith in God.
Some things are simply good. Sometimes love comes without
reason, and as a woman I always struggle with those who don’t understand loss. As
I writer, I am dismayed by those who want the ultimate experience without
having done the work to understand it fully.
So here I sit, a storm brewing outside, the thunder rolling.
Here I sit, writing this blog, knowing I need to get the chickens to bed, and
cook dinner for me and my guy, and feed the inside critters, but yet feeling a
bit beat up.
That’s what novel writing does to you, or at least to me –
it kicks my butt. But I know it is worth it - it’s worth every second to see
Lucy Doyle, or Roxy Moon Stone, or Abbey, or Emma, or all the others to have
their time to tell their tale.
Writers – we’re a mess. Not like musicians or doctors or
soldiers who get their time in the spotlight, or at least in the flames, blood,
or applause. Writers – we hide in the dark, throwing out words hoping someone will
not just see us, but grasp our words, and understand them.
As always, keep seeking and keep trying.
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Monday, July 27, 2015
A Bit of The Thing Inside Lucy Doyle
As I’m going over the new book, I find the character of Mrs.
Simmons to be my favorite. She always
has a story to tell, a way to take the darkest events and make them both clear and
somehow beautiful.
Here’s a snippet - as I get closer to the end of the project and a new
novel nearly completed:
“I don’t think any of us truly knows what sanity feels
like.” Michael chuckled. “Not really, not with all the things we’ve
seen. Do you know what I call
sanity?” He looked around the room, all
eyes on him. “Mrs. Simmons’ cooking -
the sanest and best thing I’ve ever encountered.” They laughed as Mrs. Simmons scooped soup into bowls.
“Awww, Michael, you are the best.” She set a bowl in front of him and squeezed his shoulder. “Did I ever tell y’all about my Aunt
Alma?” She distributed the bowls,
checked on the pot pie in the oven, and sat down at the counter. “Now they said Aunt Alma was crazy, or maybe
it was senility setting in too early. I
can say she didn’t always operate with a full deck, but she was my father’s
little sister and I loved her. I
remember once Daddy took my sister to Washington, D.C., a big trip with her
government class for a couple days, and left me with her. He called several times, I guess feeling
guilty that he couldn’t be both my mother and father. Anyway, there I am with Aunt Alma. The day starts with grits and eggs, and then Aunt Alma pulled a
wheelbarrow out from under the porch.
‘We need to go to town,’ she said.”
Mrs. Simmons laughed.
“Now I had been in town with my father many times, of
course, although he never pushed a wheelbarrow through the streets, but I
followed Aunt Alma as she picked up odds and ends from the trash set out on the
curb. I had thought we were going
through town to maybe do some shopping or have a soda in the drug store, like
it was when my Daddy took me to town, but Aunt Alma had a different agenda, a
different picture she was painting in her head.” Mrs. Simmons tasted the soup, studying it on her tongue as only
good cooks understood, and nodded, deeming it good.
“Aunt Alma’s trek through town took us beside the river,
where she hitched up her skirt and waded into the water, pulling things out of
the muck. I sat on the bank, wanting to
join her in the water, but hearing all the cautions in my head that Daddy had
spoken of nails, leeches, drowning, and polio, so I just watched, knowing that
she was crazy as a loon, but intrigued and loving her anyway. She pulled an old metal bicycle wheel out of
the water as though it was made of solid gold and carried it to the shore,
rinsing away the dirt and decaying rubber.
She placed it in the wheelbarrow with reverence, as though it was the
Holy Grail, and not just a bent piece of metal. She walked back in the water, washing off her hands, and reached
down in the muck again, pulling free a metal pipe about three feet long. ‘ Glory be!’ she declared, and turned to
me. ‘You are a lucky piece, little Ruth,
maybe even a Godsend.’ She rinsed the
pipe in the water, whistling a tune I remembered from church, an old spiritual
about being beside the river.”
“As I went down in the river to pray, studying about that
good ole way,” Lucy sang, and then stopped herself, laughing. “I have no idea where that came from.”
“That was the song,” Mrs. Simmons beamed at her. “Yep, that was the song. Anyway, Aunt Alma
put that pipe in the wheelbarrow, still humming.” Mrs. Simmons chuckled and shook her head. “And then she took a rag from her satchel,
wiping off the water and mud from her legs.
Maybe she wasn’t as crazy as people said. She got cleaned up, but didn’t put her ‘city’ shoes on again
until she had walked through the woods barefoot and stepped onto the concrete
of the road. She pushed that
wheelbarrow through town as though it was the finest car, or a carriage that
held royalty, and she parked it in front of the drug store where we stepped
inside and had lunch. I was at the age
where I had almost put away the fairy tales of youth, and was entering the
realities of life, but I sat at that booth, and I wanted to believe every story
she had ever told.
“Now, Aunt Alma was still attractive woman. Her hair,” Mrs. Simmons touched her own,
“was like mine, but had never been cut and ended in the middle of her back, the
weight of it all straightening the curls.
She was slim, unlike me.” She
patted her belly. “And you know what I
saw? Everyone watched her as though she
had an answer they could never hear; they admired her, but they had to hate
her, you know? They had to talk about
her because if they didn’t just push her down and away, they may see something
in their own lives that they didn’t like.”
Mrs. Simmons stood slowly, picking up the bowls, and carrying them to
the sink, checking on the pot pie.
“Aunt Alma and I had a nice lunch,” she leaned against the counter,
looking above them and back into the past, “and when she stood up from the
booth and paid the bill it was as though the whole room paused, watching her in
fear, jealousy, and reverence. I
followed my aunt out of the drug store as though I was a princess following my
queen. We finished our lap through town
and headed home, sharing turns holding the wheelbarrow as we walked. We didn’t talk, because Aunt Alma didn’t
talk a lot, and most of the words she said tended to be over the heads of the
people she was attempting to communicate with.
When she pushed the wheelbarrow in the yard, she took me by the
hand. ‘You go cook. I’ve left the
instructions on the counter, and after dinner I have a surprise for you. Don’t look out the windows!” She laughed mysteriously, pushing the
wheelbarrow around the house.
“I ran in the house, excited, still a child who understood
miracles happened more often than not.
I walked into the kitchen anxious to read the note and continue the
adventure, and the phone rang. It was
my dad, who had gotten a call from someone in town that I was in danger. I assured him that I was safe, almost hating
him for taking the magic away, and finally, assured that I was not near death,
he let me go. I approached the counter
where I could see her instructions, battling the conflicting sides of myself,
the child who knew miracles happened every moment of every day, and the young
adult who had to accept that fairy tales didn’t actually exist.” She pulled heavy bowls from the cabinets,
setting them on the table in front of them, but not actually fully
present.
“Finally, fighting all I knew or thought I knew, and my
father’s worries that were always present in my mind, I approached the counter
and read her note. The instructions
were simple, but she had drawn them out in a treasure map.” Mrs. Simmons chuckled as she folded paper
towels into dinner napkins. “She
outlined the steps from the stove to the refrigerator and the heavy pot I was
to place in the oven. I followed her
instructions, slowly regaining the excitement of youth, of magic and miracles,
and then followed the map to my bedroom, where the note insisted I clean
it.” She laughed. “I did as the note dictated, making the bed,
dusting the dresser, and before I was done, she called to me from the back
door. ‘Ready?’”
“I jumped. I was
ready for a miracle, or at least a path between the two worlds of belief
and death. ‘Yes, ma’am, I am.’ ‘Take off your shoes, and come to the back
door,’ she ordered. I did as she said,
almost tripping over my feet to get my shoes off and ran to the door. She waited, taking my hand as I descended
down the stairs, and I once again felt like a princess, following my queen, as
she showed me what she had built in my name.
I stood there for a moment trying to understand not only what I was
seeing, but also how she did it. It
seems the pipe and wheel she had found in the river that day were the final
pieces, and I watched as water came out of the pipe, pouring onto the wheel,
which spun heartily, sending the water into a river that Aunt Alma had
made.” Mrs. Simmons moved away from the
table, opening the oven, and pulling out the heavy pot pie.
“The banks were quartz rock, and they reflected the sun low
in the sky, lining the bottom of a pool she said was safe for me - no nails, no
leeches, and no polio. The water
spilled out of the wading pool, over a dam made of quartz and bricks she had
picked up in her travels, and cut three ways: one path set off into the pines,
the other into her garden filled with flowers and a few vegetables, and the
third deep path, carrying the most water into a wonderland of small buildings
set beside tree trunks, with colorful doors nailed into their roots. She had taken the smallest things, bending
or cutting them, to make our town square, but instead of the road that divided
the town in reality, she left a gentle stream, with more rocks lining the
bottom, safe for feet.” Mrs. Simmons
carried the heavy pot to the table, and began scooping out their meals with an
old metal spoon.
“I stood there, fighting the two sides of myself; one part
of me wanting to call her crazy, and the other side just loving her beyond
reason. She had made this place for me,
taking the worries of my father as serious and real, and wanting to give me a
world where kids were safe. She gave me
the whole town as a wading pool, created from the pieces she found along the
road.” Mrs. Simmons carried the heavy
pot back to the stove, and sat with them at the table. “Aunt Alma.
Her feet in both worlds and still taking time to ensure I could see the
beauty and feel the magic.”
“They took her away to the state hospital after that, and I
only got to see her one more time before …” Mrs. Simmons bit her cheeks, “
before I guess she went back to the river.
I’ll never forget that weekend, though, my feet in the water and feeling
safe.” She paused and realized she’d
held the group’s attention for too long.
“We should say a prayer.”
“I think we did just did.”
Michael wiped his eyes.
“Yes,” Danny and Lucy said at the same time and glanced at
each other over the table.
“Literally the best prayer I’ve ever heard.” Pam held up her water glass in the air. The others raised their glasses as Mrs.
Simmons stared down in her bowl, fighting tears over losing a wonderful woman
who she never had the time to love as much as was deserved. A single tear escaped, falling into the
steaming bowl.
“To Aunt Alma,” Mrs. Simmons held her glass in the air. “Amen!”
She smiled.
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