Victoria S. Hardy

Victoria S. Hardy

Thursday, August 16, 2007

God has a Sense of Humor

Perhaps it is true that we create our own reality, some say that is the secret that has been hidden from us for eons and I’ve spent a lot of time pondering the idea. When I saw the movie The Secret I was inspired and I understood the power I held over certain personality flaws that I had battled in my life, but I also had questions. If we create the good and the bad in our lives and we are solely responsible for our creation, then did the fact that I had dreamt of my son’s death for years, also mean I created it? Did I, through the unconscious act of dreaming, hold the responsibility for his demise?

I have lived a rough and tumble life, like an ever-curious cat, blessed with 9 lives. Some have called me a chameleon, with an odd ability to fit in most groups, but remain true to myself and although it was a nice compliment, it was not truth. I’ve often been lost or seemingly overwhelmed by the energy of others and I’ve often wandered far from my path, but is it really a path if it has no name or real direction?

From the time I was 9 or 10 I knew I didn’t want to grow up to become a bitter old woman, strange from one so young, but I knew I would rise above than condition. My grandmother came to live with us in the months after my sister’s death and it was a hard time for all involved. The loss of my sister felt like the entire soul of the family had been sucked dry. My grandmother was a bitter woman who complained about deeds done to her by enemies who had been dead longer than I had been alive, but for her the wounds were as fresh as if they had occurred yesterday. She wasn’t the type of woman who baked cookies or patted you after a bike wreck. She carried a darkness with her, almost shadow-like, that I avoided at all costs and it was so strong that it left a life-long impression on me.

I’ve met many women, who after a divorce, swear they will never marry again, but for me, I keep trying and with the fourth husband I finally got it right. I am not ashamed of my track record, because I have grown and learned a lot, mostly about myself. As a kid growing up in a chaotic and violent family, I had a lot to learn about the workings of interpersonal relationships and I think few of us have a roadmap. As a child I didn’t envision myself married and never dreamed of a perfect wedding day, I dreamed of becoming a Beat poet in Greenwich Village, but alas, I was born too late.

Instinct has always been my guide, a subtle knowing. I’ve learned over the years to trust that knowing and even when the results of my actions don’t turn out the way I might have believed they would, I usually find that I have gained an insight, which would not have come to me without having experienced the turmoil.

So do we create our reality? If so, then much of my reality has come through dumb luck, strange blessings and subtle urgings. Until recently, I have never had a plan, or even much of a vision, I’ve pin-balled my way through life, ducking and dodging at the right moments, kind of blind and stupid, but always a survivor.

I did feel inspired by The Secret, in a post-hypnotic suggestion kind of way and the knowledge that I have more power than I knew was a helpful tool on my journey, but I also feel that to believe anything 100% means we are giving that power away. I’ve always felt a force or a higher power working in the world, a knowledge that good exists, heaven is real and that God has a sense of humor. Perhaps I am creating that force through my thoughts and if so, I can’t think of a better way to utilize the lessons learned in The Secret.

As always, Keep Seeking

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